I grew up in a quintessential small town, a place filled with farms, Friday night football games, and an abundance of churches. My small-town roots run deep, and even after moving away for college and meeting my partner, I longed to return for the wedding I had always envisioned.
Walking down the aisle of that Southern Baptist Church, everything felt perfect. I wore my beautiful white dress, and my partner beamed at me. Yet, amidst the joy, a wave of unexpected emotion washed over me: shame.
I was in my childhood church, adorned in white, but I wasn’t as pure as the gown suggested. My upbringing coincided with what is now known as the Purity Movement, where young girls attended True Love Waits rallies before they even had their first periods. I vividly recall one such event held in the very church where I was married. A speaker presented a single pink rose as a symbol of purity, passing it around for everyone to see. By the time it returned to him, it had wilted and lost its fragrance, illustrating the damage done by being touched by so many hands. The underlying message was unmistakable: our worth was tied to our purity, something to be preserved for our future husbands.
The movement culminated in the unsettling ritual of receiving purity rings, bestowed by father figures as a promise to remain chaste until marriage. Even now, the thought of that ceremony makes me cringe. Although I have distanced myself from that unhealthy belief system, I still identify as a Christian and recognize a spiritual dimension to sexuality. However, I vehemently reject the Purity Movement as a toxic ideology that inflicts damage. I refuse to pass down these harmful lessons of religious abstinence to my children.
Here’s why I believe this approach is detrimental:
- Shame-Based Ideology: Teaching children that sexuality is only acceptable within marriage fosters shame and confusion when they experience natural desires. Teenagers will inevitably feel urges that contradict these rigid moral guidelines, leading to internal conflict. This disconnect can result in feelings of self-hatred and shame, as they cannot control their bodily responses. By instilling shame around natural desires, we risk teaching children to resent themselves and their bodies.
- Patriarchal Double Standards: The rose analogy was never directed at the boys in the room. The Purity Movement upholds inconsistent standards for genders. While a woman’s purity is portrayed as a gift to be given, there is little discussion about what men offer in return. The rules surrounding modesty are often skewed, with one set applied to women and another to men. The implication is clear: men’s sexual exploration is overlooked, while women are shamed for any deviation from imposed standards.
- Victim Blame: I must share a painful truth: the man who presented me with a purity ring was a family member who sexually abused me throughout my childhood. The shame and confusion I experienced within that church environment were profound. When we prioritize sexual legalism, we inadvertently communicate to children that their value hinges on their purity. For victims of assault, this ideology is particularly damaging, as it places an overwhelming burden of shame on them, regardless of their circumstances.
- Ineffectiveness: Teaching religious abstinence does not yield the intended results. Studies have shown that children in abstinence-only programs are not more likely to delay sexual activity or have fewer partners than those who receive comprehensive sex education. Instead, such teachings sow confusion and shame without equipping teens to handle their feelings or seek out necessary resources, support, and protection.
So, what can faith-based parents do? While there are no easy answers, I plan to engage in open, non-judgmental discussions with my children about their bodies and sexuality. I’ll emphasize the importance of mutual consent, discuss the emotional ramifications of sexual relationships, and inform them about protection options. My goal is to empower my children with knowledge and understanding, ensuring that my daughter knows her worth is not diminished by her choices.
While my faith shapes my values, discussions about sexuality will be rooted in honesty and love—free from judgment or shame.
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In summary, the teachings surrounding religious abstinence can instill shame, perpetuate harmful double standards, and ultimately prove ineffective. As parents, we must foster an environment of open dialogue, understanding, and respect surrounding sexuality to empower our children.