Navigating the world of single parenting after 40 has revealed a significant truth: it’s all about choices. I refer to this concept as “OR.”
No, not the operating room—though the latter stages of life might involve a few visits. I’m discussing the conjunction “or.” It’s akin to the part in the Miranda rights where it’s stated that an individual has the right to an attorney or one will be provided. That’s the essence of OR.
Upon divorce, single parents often find themselves grappling with a choice between time OR money. Usually, it’s not genuinely a choice, and at times, you may end up with neither. It’s uncommon for both parents to emerge with a substantial amount of both time and resources unless they’re celebrities with deep pockets. Even then, parenting alone typically means your time is limited, especially on the days you have the kids. With many states enforcing a 50/50 financial split, it’s only natural to see a decrease in your savings, retirement fund, or even your living room decor.
I can’t help but reminisce about that vintage chaise I used to own. In my own divorce, I ended up with “time,” while my ex-husband retained “money.” Although I had a less stressful work-life balance, that changed when my job became essential for covering the mortgage. Now, I’m left choosing between extravagant birthday parties or a home in a decent neighborhood.
Meanwhile, my ex, with a more flexible (and lower-paying) job, gets to take the kids to school meetings and doctor’s appointments while I’m stuck at work. Wait, wasn’t that the role I played when we were together? As the one with the financial advantage, he enjoys taking them on luxurious vacations, buying them new bicycles, and being the hero when the kids desire the latest gaming console. Perhaps if he had a bit more time, he could have considered the appropriateness of the games he purchased for our tween.
Another choice: women over 40 often find themselves deciding between aesthetics—specifically their face or their rear end. This holds true for married women as well. Gravity doesn’t care.
At this age, it seems impossible to maintain both without medical help. If you commit to the gym and develop a toned backside, you might find your face becoming thinner and more saggy. While it’s great to focus on fitness, the reality of looking in the mirror can be disappointing. I like to think that my casual approach to fitness has preserved a relatively decent appearance for my face, as some extra weight can be beneficial for someone nearing 50.
As a single working mom, I frequently encounter the OR dilemma. I can either prepare a delightful dinner OR tackle my emails. The hour between 5 and 6 PM, when homework is usually done, is prime time for productivity. Yet, it’s always a choice. Some evenings, I must choose between coq au vin and an overflowing inbox. Other nights, the OR becomes NOR, and we find ourselves enjoying takeout in the living room.
When it comes to vacations, the OR is equally present. When finances allow, I can take my kids on trips to destinations I select (assuming I can afford it, of course—see time or money, above). I’m thrilled that snowbound cabins are no longer on the list of vacations. However, managing a 1-to-3 adult-to-kid ratio isn’t particularly relaxing, even with a stunning rental by the beach. I’m always searching for vacation spots that offer a great kitchen view since that’s where I’ll spend most of my time. Not only do I handle all the cooking and cleaning during the trip, but I also face the laundry once we return. So, I’m left with the choice of going on vacation OR truly relaxing. Sometimes, the trade-off just isn’t worth it.
This phase of life is also filled with many ANDs. You deal with laundry AND dishes. This is often the reality throughout many marriages too. However, it’s comforting to think that someone might share the load, even if it’s merely a fantasy. Just the thought of another adult stepping in as a “housework fairy” is enough to ease the burden—along with a second glass of wine, of course.
That’s one choice I can fully support. Finally, I don’t have to pick one or the other. I’ll take both the first glass AND the second, thank you very much.
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In summary, the journey of single parenting is filled with choices that can often feel overwhelming. From managing time and finances to balancing personal appearance and family responsibilities, every decision carries weight. It’s a complex landscape, but understanding these dynamics can empower us as parents.