It was one of those challenging afternoons. My son came home from school, and I immediately sensed that something was off. Normally, I prided myself on being the calming force in his life. I envisioned myself as a serene, composed mother—perhaps a bit of a stretch, but I was striving to embody the qualities of a Zen mom, particularly as a mom of a child with special needs.
My son has autism and frequently encounters intense emotions that can manifest as aggressive behaviors. Therapists had repeatedly advised me to remain calm and not react to any provocations. I can’t even recall what triggered the conflict that day. He was unresponsive to my attempts to communicate. Recognizing that he was likely hungry, I presented his afternoon snack, but he was resistant. His frustration peaked when he couldn’t have cookies before his fruit—our established routine. I could tell he was searching for an outlet for his pent-up feelings, and soon enough, he erupted.
In a flurry of emotions, he lunged at me, hitting me with his hands. He then began to rip pages from a book I was reading. When he reached for the library books nearby, I felt my patience snap. I vividly recall fleeing from him, clutching the books tightly, desperate to keep them safe from his meltdown. He chased after me, swinging his arms, and after a few near misses, he managed to strike me hard on the back. In that moment of frustration, something inside me shifted.
Suddenly, my tears dried up, replaced by an overwhelming surge of anger. How could he attack me? I was the adult here! In a moment of fury, I shouted at him to stay away or else I would throw this book at him. To my surprise, he retreated to the couch but started laughing. In a strange twist of fate, my hand instinctively lifted one of the softcover books I was clutching and hurled it at him. It struck his arm, and the shock on his face mirrored my own. Then I saw the fear in his eyes.
“Mommy, you threw the book at me!” he exclaimed.
I was trembling—not just from the act itself, but from the realization that I wanted to do it again. I felt an intense mixture of anger toward him for provoking me and guilt for losing control. Tears streamed down my face as I picked up the book and, through sobs, I said, “I’m really sorry, but I’m upset. I need to go calm down in my quiet space.”
We had previously established calm corners for him during his meltdowns; it became evident that I needed one too. I retreated to the only lockable room in our home, the family bathroom, where I let my feelings pour out for about 15 minutes. It was a cathartic release. From that day on, I vowed never to let myself lose control again.
Motherhood has a way of exposing both our strengths and weaknesses. It can be a powerful catalyst for growth if we embrace it. Many mothers of children with special needs, including some close friends, have shared similar experiences of losing their tempers. One friend recounted a moment when she retaliated after her son stomped on her foot, feeling satisfaction at his reaction before succumbing to shame. Another friend admitted to yelling until her son cried, only to find herself in tears afterward. Even mothers of neurotypical children have had their moments of weakness, often needing to take a timeout after losing their cool.
The truth is, we all have moments of losing control. We’re only human. However, if we can learn from these experiences and develop our own anger management techniques, we can serve as examples of calmness amidst chaos for our children—whether they have special needs or not. That difficult moment reshaped me, allowing me to navigate my emotions with more honesty and compassion.
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Summary
The author recounts a challenging afternoon with her son who has autism, where a moment of frustration led her to throw a book at him. After realizing the gravity of her actions, she sought to calm herself and establish better emotional control. The piece highlights the challenges of parenting special needs children and the importance of learning from our mistakes to foster a calmer environment.