Today, I found myself contemplating the end of my marriage. Don’t fret about us now; we’re currently snuggled up on the couch. However, the intense frustration inside me felt like a raging inferno at around 8:34 a.m. this morning. Last night, my partner offered to take our kids to school, which I appreciated, but it would have meant more if he hadn’t stood at the door huffing and rolling his eyes while they took their sweet time with breakfast and getting ready. As he drove off, I couldn’t help but hum a little tune: “Your help just hurts.”
After he dropped the kids off, a heated text exchange followed, then a conciliatory phone call, and finally, we reached a mutual agreement to extend grace to one another amid the stress we’ve faced over the past year. The pandemic has tested us individually and as a couple, and it has undoubtedly impacted our relationship.
My partner and I have navigated a lot together – 16 years of marriage, two doctoral degrees, overcoming six-figure student debt, and raising a high-needs child. We thought we were resilient before COVID, but as we look back, we realize we underestimated how challenging it would be to 1) be together 24/7, 2) maintain our romantic connection, and 3) not let the chaos of an unpredictable global crisis get to us.
The number of moms in my pediatric practice feeling similarly frustrated with their partners has skyrocketed lately. We’re all eager for the pandemic to end (along with those heightened arguments that often accompany it). Like many, I believe that once this is over, our relationships will improve. Nonetheless, I don’t want to wait that long. Thankfully, we don’t have to.
From my experience with other resilient moms – those who have weathered ups and downs, sunny days, and global crises – I’ve gathered several essential principles for effective co-parenting to minimize days like today.
1. Forget the Myth of Fifty-Fifty
The idea of a perfect fifty-fifty split in parenting is largely unrealistic. Responsibilities often aren’t evenly divided. You might handle 90% of the laundry while your partner takes care of 10% of the cooking. What matters is that neither partner feels overwhelmed by carrying an excessive share of the load.
2. Share the Mental Load
Your partner isn’t a mind reader. Make it a routine to sit down and list the tasks that need to be accomplished in your household. Communicate your responsibilities and when you feel overwhelmed. How about scheduling monthly family meetings to discuss these matters?
3. Divide Duties Based on Practicality
While traditional roles expect moms to prioritize child care, it often doesn’t align with reality for many families. Consider each partner’s strengths and available time when dividing tasks. For instance, if you’re breastfeeding, you’re the “feeder in chief,” while your partner can take on the “soother in chief” role.
4. Use Common Language
When discussing household responsibilities, find a communication style that resonates with both of you. If you both love sports, you might say, “What part of our team can you lead this month to ensure we succeed?”
5. Leverage Technology
With numerous tools available today, from shared calendars to communication apps, you can enhance accountability. Knowing what’s happening in your household allows both partners to take responsibility for important events.
6. Let Some Things Slide
Sometimes, you need to overlook minor annoyances, like eye rolls or sighs, that can arise when assigning tasks. One mom articulated it well: “I have to get over it when my partner seems annoyed at having tasks assigned to him.”
7. Practice Grace Towards Each Other
We all carry stress into our relationships. Approaching your partner with compassion and understanding can greatly reduce conflicts.
8. Take a Step Back
It’s frustrating to feel micromanaged. Trust your partner to take charge without hovering. This approach fosters true co-parenting and empowers both partners to feel equally involved.
Clearly, I don’t always practice this perfectly (as evidenced by my frustrations this morning). Sometimes, my partner feels like he’s “helping” rather than truly co-parenting. Yet, we continue to strive for an equitable partnership despite societal norms.
For more insights on parenting and relationships, check out other resources like this blog post, the authority on this topic at Intracervical Insemination, and an excellent resource for pregnancy.
If you’re interested in more tips, consider searching for these related queries: how to make parenting more equitable, effective co-parenting strategies, managing stress in relationships, better communication with your partner, and navigating marital challenges.
Summary
In a moment of frustration, I contemplated my marriage’s end but realized that many moms share similar feelings. By adopting strategies for effective co-parenting, couples can navigate challenges and foster a more equitable partnership. This journey is about understanding, communication, and grace, which can help strengthen relationships amid the chaos of life.