With a five-year-old as my eldest, it’s been nearly six years since I’ve celebrated New Year’s Eve in any meaningful way. After years of pregnancy, nursing, and chasing toddlers, I finally found myself with a quiet evening as my children left for their father’s house at 4 PM, not to return until the next day. I seized the moment to indulge in a long-overdue shower.
For the past couple of months, I have been caught in a whirlwind of emotional turmoil. October brought divorce mediation, and November was consumed with extensive trial preparations that left me drained—both mentally and financially. My attorney wheeled in seven heavy binders to court, marking my initiation into the world of credit card debt. December ushered in a three-day trial, a rarity given that only 5% of divorces reach this stage. Following that, I faced six days without my children leading up to Christmas, a holiday I spent grieving my first year as a divorcee. January will see the conclusion of this painful journey with one last day in court, as financial experts grapple with the issue of money.
Yet, it was New Year’s Eve—the perfect time to shed the burdens of the past and embrace the endless possibilities of the future. I have always cherished this holiday, relishing the idea that change is not only acceptable but celebrated. It’s a time when we can toast to new beginnings, even if we slip back into old habits the very next day. The liberating feeling of hope is intoxicating.
As I stood in the shower, memories flooded back to my last significant New Year’s celebration in 2008. My husband and I were in Costa Rica, poised to attend a rooftop party at our quaint hotel. However, the local power grid failed us for the second night in a row, and the festivities were canceled. Instead, we sat together on the dark rooftop, gazing down at the shadows of the town, with nothing but a single apple to share. I recalled our previous night’s adventure, where we joined strangers around a bonfire on the beach, the thrill of running into the ocean while holding my skirt above the waves.
For the first time in a long while, I allowed myself to reflect on the joy we once had together. Amidst the anger and resentment that had dominated my thoughts, I found myself acknowledging a simple truth: “I used to love him,” I exclaimed, surprised by the realization. In that moment, I felt an overwhelming wave of emotion wash over me, as if every bit of pain and sadness left my body, swirling down the drain with the water.
In the midst of my anger from the past year, I had buried my grief. Now, it surged forth, leaving me breathless and leaning against the shower wall for support. I cried for two days, refusing to shower again, haunted by the memories that surfaced.
Instead of going out to celebrate, I chose to stay in. I toasted the New Year alone with a peanut butter, banana, and honey sandwich, paired with a bottle of bubbly I had saved from better days. I watched Netflix and released a white Chinese lantern from a previous Fourth of July celebration. The night was a blend of pain and beauty, as I finally let the sadness in, cleansing me in the most cathartic way.
What surprised me most was the wave of forgiveness that followed. I recognized that my ex-husband was flawed, just like all of us. I forgave him for his imperfections, his lack of respect, and the hurtful words he had flung at me. I even found myself forgiving his parents for their unkindness and failure to see me for who I truly was.
This journey of forgiveness extended to myself as well. I let go of the frustration over my inability to move on more swiftly and accepted that we all have our struggles. By embracing the painful truths, I came to understand that I loved him once, and while he broke my heart, I would be okay.
The past is behind me, and today marks the beginning of a fresh chapter. I raise my glass to the possibilities ahead. For at least one fleeting moment, I will embrace change and let go of the past, cherishing what lies right in front of me, and looking forward to a brighter tomorrow.
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In summary, through a simple shower, I confronted my emotions and found forgiveness, setting the stage for a hopeful new year.