During my pregnancy, I received plenty of assurances from friends and family that having a baby wouldn’t completely destroy my body. Given my genetic background, I was pleasantly surprised to avoid the onslaught of stretch marks and to shed the baby weight within weeks. To the casual observer, it seemed like I had “regained my pre-baby body.” However, the reality lurking beneath my yoga pants tells a different story.
Nearly two years post-birth, I’m still grappling with the aftermath of childbirth. Issues that were supposed to resolve after delivery continue to plague me, including a peculiar vaginal infection (I’m suspecting it was the work of Colonel Mustard in the bathroom with some bacteria). In the saga of my postpartum recovery, I can’t help but feel like the protagonist in a tragicomedy.
Pregnancy: The Prelude to Chaos
Before diving into my postpartum struggles, let’s talk about the condition that led to this chaos: pregnancy itself. It was anything but gentle; I experienced nausea, vomiting, round ligament pain, and heartburn. However, the worst part? The pregnancy hemorrhoids. I’m talking about massive, purple “piles” the size of a newborn’s fist. I even gave one of them a name—Gertrude, and she’s quite proud of her notoriety.
Then there was labor and delivery, which certainly wasn’t a walk in the park, especially after having multiple hemorrhoids excised. But hey, at least you get a baby out of the experience, right? Or so I thought, until the pain medication wore off. A quick peek in a mirror revealed a rather alarming recovery situation, thanks to my episiotomy. Healing took about five weeks and required a substantial amount of ice packs. Surely, I was through the worst of it, right?
The Return of the Hemorrhoids
Not quite. Just months later, my hemorrhoids returned with a vengeance. I became so constipated that I ended up with fissures. Remember those jawbreakers from the ‘90s? The ones with the jagged white edges? I’m pretty sure one of those was lodged in my colon.
Just as I started to accept this as my new normal, I encountered discomfort and dryness in my intimate areas. I hesitated to seek medical help until, while playing with my little one on the floor, I ended up tearing my labia. Yes, you read that correctly.
Seeking Help
Determined to find relief, I marched myself and my friends into my doctor’s office. I was really hoping he would agree to my “let’s start fresh” plan. Instead, he sent me to the pharmacy with a $100 shopping list: antifungal creams, probiotics, baby oil, MiraLAX, Metamucil, and glycerin suppositories. Unfortunately, those didn’t work.
Back at the clinic, my OB-GYN decided to test for herpes. The process involved a large Q-tip, which was less than pleasant for my already sensitive area. Thankfully, the test returned negative. They took another culture and assumed it was bacterial, prescribing antibiotics.
Meanwhile, at the colorectal specialist’s office, I prepared for an examination in the most vulnerable position imaginable (and I’ve given birth!). While having one fissure is typical, my situation was more complex. A colonoscopy may be in my future, but for now, I’m on a cocktail of stool softeners and laxatives paired with butt cream.
The Staph Infection Surprise
As if this wasn’t enough, my test results came back indicating a staph infection. Apparently, my underwear had become a petri dish. The doctor prescribed more antibiotics, and I guess he added an antifungal just for good measure.
No one truly prepares you for the realities of postpartum recovery. There’s no guide titled “What to Expect After Expecting.” My experience is far from universal, but I remain cautiously optimistic about my recovery. Despite all of this, becoming a parent has been the most rewarding experience of my life—even if it came with more surprises than I anticipated.
Resources for New Parents
For anyone considering their own journey into parenthood, resources like Resolve can provide valuable information. And if you’re looking into home insemination options, check out our post on the at-home insemination kit.
In the world of postpartum recovery, it’s essential to arm yourself with knowledge. And don’t forget to explore superfood coffee for a little extra boost during those exhausting days.
Summary
Navigating postpartum recovery can be a complex and often humorous journey filled with unexpected challenges. From troublesome hemorrhoids to mysterious infections, the road can feel overwhelming. However, amid the chaos, many parents find joy in the incredible experience of raising a child.