A little over two weeks ago, I faced the heart-wrenching task of signing Do Not Resuscitate papers for my mother. As I penned my signature, tears streamed down my face. I was essentially giving the hospital the authority to allow her to pass away—a poignant and painful surrender.
The weight of that decision was almost unbearable. Despite knowing it was what my mother wanted, the emotional toll was immense. I can’t fathom how excruciating it would be if I hadn’t been aware of her wishes. The agony of making such a choice, wondering if it was the right one, is unimaginable. You either sign the document and second-guess yourself or refrain from doing so and risk prolonging suffering.
The challenges of my mother’s passing didn’t end there. After her transition to hospice care, I had to decide against placing a feeding tube. She had gone two days without food, and the choice was stark: intervene or allow nature to take its course.
A small silver lining in this painful journey was that we had discussed these difficult topics months earlier. Following her initial oncology appointment—where she received the devastating diagnosis of stage 4 metastatic colon cancer—we had a tear-filled conversation at a nearby diner, prompted by her doctor’s advice.
“You need to discuss your end-of-life wishes now, so she doesn’t carry the burden of uncertainty during such a challenging time,” he said. End-of-life wishes—it’s a euphemism for a deeply uncomfortable question: how do you wish to pass away? During that conversation, my mother expressed her desire for no prolonged suffering, recalling how she had witnessed her sister endure a grueling battle with cancer. I’m grateful she shared that with me because it informed the decision I ultimately had to make.
By the time I signed the DNR, my mother was largely delirious, hallucinating and unable to communicate her pain. Her liver was failing, and she was no longer eating; she was in the process of dying. I was faced with the choice to either extend her suffering through medical interventions or allow her to pass peacefully.
It was an obvious decision for me, yet still incredibly difficult. I prayed for a miracle, but I understood that my definition of a miracle differed from God’s. Regardless of whether I allowed a feeding tube or resuscitation, her fate was sealed. I had to accept that truth.
Despite our prior conversation, many crucial topics remained unaddressed simply because we didn’t know what to discuss. I knew she wanted to be resuscitated if she were healthy, and that she didn’t want intervention if she were not. But I had no idea where her will was located or her final wishes regarding burial or cremation.
I urge you to have these conversations now—don’t wait. Speak with your parents, siblings, and loved ones, regardless of their current health. It doesn’t matter if they’re only in their fifties and appear perfectly healthy; life can change in an instant.
I recognize that discussing death is grim and daunting, but you’ll be grateful for it later. This isn’t only for the sake of your loved ones; it’s for you, too. What are your wishes? Are your family members aware of them?
By having these discussions, you relieve them of the burden of making decisions while they are grieving. Reach out to your parents and say, “I recently read an article and I’d like to ask you a few questions.” Just get it over with.
Take action now, so when the time comes and you feel utterly shattered, you won’t need to second-guess decisions. You’ll know their desires, providing you with peace amidst the sorrow.
A quick search for Advance Health Care Directives will help guide your discussion. A valuable list is available on the Everplans website. Remember, death is inevitable, and while it will always be devastating, understanding your loved one’s wishes can ease your grief. Knowing what my mother wanted allowed me to focus on mourning her loss rather than wrestling with decisions that were not mine to make. While cancer took her too soon, I was able to grant her the dignity of a peaceful end.
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Summary
Having difficult conversations about end-of-life wishes with loved ones is crucial. It can ease the burden of decision-making during times of grief and ensure that your family understands your desires. Address these topics early to avoid regretting unspoken thoughts later.