It’s amusing to reflect on how my desire to co-sleep with our child contrasted sharply with my partner Sarah’s feelings on the matter. Typically, it seems like the opposite is true in most couples. I didn’t enter parenthood envisioning a shared sleep arrangement; it just unfolded that way as we navigated the sleepless nights that come with having a newborn. And let me tell you, our firstborn, Max, was a notoriously terrible sleeper.
The First Year
For the first year, the only way Max would slumber was if we held him upright, like a tiny football. No lying him down was an option. After countless nights of sitting on the couch, both Sarah and I mastering the art of sleeping while propped up, the thought of him sleeping in our bed seemed like a dream come true. But Sarah was firmly against it.
Even when he finally transitioned to his crib, Max still struggled to sleep soundly. We often found ourselves bouncing him back to sleep before gingerly putting him down, hoping he wouldn’t wake up. I kept proposing the idea of co-sleeping, but Sarah reminded me of our initial agreement to avoid it. However, as exhaustion set in, we eventually caved.
The Strain on Our Relationship
I’ll admit, it felt great to sleep horizontally again. Still, having Max in our bed created significant strain on our relationship. Intimacy took a backseat—while we still had moments together, the logistics became increasingly complicated. Even though we were more comfortable than sitting up on the sofa, sleep remained elusive. Our little one seemed to favor sleeping at odd angles, often kicking us or spitting up in bed.
To be honest, I’m not sure how many BTUs a baby typically generates, but Max radiated heat like a furnace. No matter how I adjusted, the warmth made it nearly impossible to find a comfortable position. This chaotic sleeping situation only intensified tensions between Sarah and me, particularly regarding the decision to let Max sleep in our bed. I knew he wouldn’t settle in his crib, while Sarah wanted to preserve our own sleeping space. I was so drained that the idea of fighting him into his own bed felt overwhelming.
Communication Breakdown
Our disagreements about this topic surfaced during dinner, in the car, and even through text messages. We would bicker in hushed tones while Max peacefully slept between us. Occasionally, we’d manage to get him to sleep in his own bed for a stretch, which was a relief. But inevitably, he would get sick or cranky, and we’d be too exhausted to resist letting him back into our bed. It was like he reclaimed his territory each time.
With every return, Sarah would shoot me a look that clearly said, “You started this. Are you satisfied?” The whole ordeal wasn’t great for our relationship, but it was undeniably enjoyable for our son.
The Long Road to Independence
The most challenging aspect was that once Max experienced the comfort of our bed, transitioning him back to his own took years, not months. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment he finally accepted his own bed, but I believe he was around three years old when he finally understood that his bed was for him and ours was for us. Those sleepless years of co-sleeping and subsequent battles were tough on our marriage, I can say that wholeheartedly.
Looking Back
In the end, everything worked out. Max is now 12 and loves his own space, often sleeping in late if he can. I don’t want this to come off as a critique of co-sleeping; rather, it’s simply an insight into how it affected our marriage. If you choose to co-sleep, be aware that your child will likely love it, but your relationship may take a hit. And getting them out of your bed? That might require some effort. It’s wise to be prepared for both the joys and challenges that come with it.
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Summary
This piece explores the challenges of co-sleeping from a father’s perspective, highlighting how it affected his marriage, intimacy, and sleep patterns. While the child enjoyed the comfort of co-sleeping, the parents faced significant difficulties in their relationship. Ultimately, it offers a candid look at the realities of parenting and the dynamics of shared sleeping arrangements.