The turmoil had escalated to an unbearable level, dragging on for far too long. I contemplated searching for those phrases—those phrases no parent wishes to confront. “It will improve,” I reassured myself. But instead, things deteriorated further. With trembling hands, I retreated to a quiet corner of the orchard, sitting on the uncomfortable bark where I could be unseen and unheard. Through my tears, I typed “child psychiatric hospitals” into my phone.
What would it mean if I actually called that number? My life would irrevocably change, and I would never be able to revert to the way things were before reaching out for help. What kind of parents make this choice? What kind of parents would send their child away to a mental health facility? What sort of children reside in these places? Were they kids like my daughter—intelligent, compassionate, and beautiful—yet struggling with aspects of her brain that simply didn’t function as they should?
I envisioned the expression on her face when I would drop her off. She would undoubtedly scream and cry, looking at me with a mix of betrayal and resentment. “What kind of mom would abandon their child in a place like this?” she would scream, piercing my heart with her words.
The guilt would tear through me like lightning striking a towering tree in a storm. This narrative revolves around a mother and father facing the heartache of a sick child in a nation where mental health care is often inaccessible. While child psychiatrists exist, there simply aren’t enough to meet the demand. Their offices are crowded, they often aren’t accepting new patients, and many don’t take insurance, leaving my family to potentially pay hundreds of dollars out-of-pocket for my daughter’s necessary treatment.
The system feels broken. In moments of crisis, parents can feel utterly adrift and isolated. The failure. The disappointment. The heartbreak. I often find myself wishing my daughter had a physical ailment instead. If her arm were broken, we would visit the doctor, get a cast, and watch it heal over time. Friends would sign her cast with messages like “Get well soon!” and it would be a reality. In six weeks, she would be back to her normal self.
However, mental illness doesn’t offer such straightforward healing. Issues with biochemical processes and misfiring neural pathways can’t simply be treated with a bandage. While therapy and medication can help, discovering the right approach takes time.
I often wonder if I did enough as her mother to help her mend her mind. Did I lack patience? Or was I perhaps overzealous? With a deep breath, I dial the number I had so dreadfully feared.
After one ring, a voice answers, “Psychiatric unit,” he says. I provide the requested information, feeling a lump in my throat, choking back tears. I don’t know this man, but he seems compassionate and knowledgeable. As I answer his questions, I struggle to maintain my composure.
He asks, “Has she ever expressed thoughts of self-harm?” That question bursts the dam of my emotions. Tears stream down my face, and words escape me. The man, whose name I learn is David, reassures me to take my time. He understands how challenging this conversation is, and he patiently waits for me to gather myself.
I finally manage to share that my daughter has voiced her desire not to live, that she feels unwanted. Each tear that falls feels like a weight lifting, yet it hurts deeply to speak the unthinkable. David informs me that there are beds available that night. He needs to call back to complete a release form, and I’m promised a call within the hour.
When the hour passes, I let the call go unanswered. I know my daughter needs help, and I will commit myself to finding the right mental health professional who can assist her and accept our insurance. I will cry myself to sleep, holding onto hope that one day things will improve. I will advocate for her well-being relentlessly, because as her mother, she is worth every fight.
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