When I was growing up, my grandmother, mother, and aunts would prepare children’s plates during family gatherings, while the dads lounged in the living room, watching sports and chatting. The women were responsible for setting the table, cooking, serving the food, and cleaning up, all while managing the kids’ tantrums and needs. Occasionally, the men would yell at us for being rowdy, but their involvement rarely went deeper than that. The women were the ones doing the heavy lifting, while the men relaxed. I now recognize that these women were what we refer to as “the default parent.”
As a child, I didn’t think much of it. It was the norm, and I didn’t know any different. However, now that I’m a mother and have experienced these same sexist dynamics at family gatherings, I’ve become weary of watching men fill their plates before the women even have a chance to sit down.
This issue extends beyond just family dinners; it reflects a broader narrative of motherhood. In every household, there’s usually a default parent. If you’re a mother, you probably don’t need a questionnaire to determine that it’s you. Like so many other aspects of daily life, this is something you simply know.
We are the ones our children come to for a drink, even when we’re juggling a dozen other tasks, while our partners sit comfortably. It may take us a moment to remember our own age, but we can instantly recall what foods our kids like or dislike. We stay on top of our kids’ schedules, coordinating practices and appointments even when our own calendars are packed.
The default parent knows the intricate details of each child’s preferences and emotional needs; we carry the family’s emotional weight and handle logistics that others often overlook. We do enough—some might argue, too much.
Contrary to common belief, this is not a role that mothers inherently ask for when they decide to start a family; it shouldn’t be an expected part of parenting. It’s unfair that so many moms oversee every aspect of family life while too many fathers contribute only when they feel like it or, worse, only when asked.
We shouldn’t have to solicit help from our partners when the signs of our overwhelm are glaringly obvious. If the house is in disarray, the kids haven’t eaten, and mom is still in the same sweater for days, the responsibility to address these issues shouldn’t rest solely on the default parent.
It often feels like we are the only ones who notice our children’s needs. When our partners ask us to delegate routine tasks that have been part of our lives since becoming parents, it only adds to the load of responsibilities we are already carrying. The result is a state of exhaustion and stress for mothers, making us reluctant to ask for help. After all, someone has to take care of these things, and we can’t fathom why our partners don’t see what we do.
This leaves mothers drained while fathers often float through life, experiencing their children’s childhoods without grasping the complexities involved in day-to-day parenting. Yes, I understand that “not all fathers” fit this mold, but there are certainly enough who do that it warrants discussion.
I feel passionately enough about this issue to label these dysfunctional family dynamics a generational curse. Many of us grew up witnessing this scenario, passing down these patterns from one generation to the next. Little girls grow up to be mothers who naturally become the default parent, while young boys evolve into fathers who remain blissfully unaware, receiving praise for their minimal contributions. Kids absorb these behaviors, and as they grow, they replicate this toxic gendered behavior.
Sadly, the default parent cannot break these cycles without sacrificing their own needs or, quite literally, leaving their partners. Moreover, it shouldn’t be our responsibility to solve yet another problem.
Moms everywhere urgently need dads to step up. When children wake up—be it in the morning or the middle of the night—we need fathers who will get up with them without prompting. We need dads who can dress the kids in the morning without requiring a pat on the back. We need fathers who keep track of their kids’ appointments without relying solely on mom to manage logistics. And, for goodness’ sake, we need dads who serve the children’s plates at family gatherings, giving moms a chance to sit down before their food goes cold.
If I could sum up our needs succinctly, it would be for dads to embody some of the nurturing characteristics of moms. Not just for their partners’ sake, but for the sake of their children—because moms can only do so much.
For more insights and discussions on parenting dynamics, check out this related blog post on modern parenting. Additionally, you can find valuable resources on pregnancy and home insemination at sites like UCSF or Intracervical Insemination.
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- How to share parenting responsibilities
- Tips for dads to be more involved
- Balancing family life as a couple
- Understanding the default parent role
- Encouraging equal parenting
In summary, the burden of family responsibilities often falls disproportionately on mothers, perpetuating a cycle that impacts future generations. It’s crucial for fathers to step up and share the load, ensuring a healthier and more balanced family dynamic.