I had been focused on work in my home office when I stepped into the kitchen for a snack. My phone, resting on the counter, was buzzing with notifications. I had forgotten to unmute it after silencing it for work, and I had missed several urgent messages from the preschool about my twins.
First, a voicemail. Then, two texts informed me that my children were running fevers of 102 degrees. They were lethargic and clearly unwell, and I needed to pick them up. The messages had come through an hour earlier, and I was immediately flooded with guilt. My anxiety shot up as I realized I would be the one caring for them for the rest of the day, and I’d likely have to stay home with them again the following day since they wouldn’t be able to attend school.
I shut my laptop, putting my work on hold, knowing I would have to dive back into it later that night—probably late into the night. The next day would also be challenging, as I’d have to balance my work with the needs of two sick kids craving attention. It was a classic tug-of-war between meeting deadlines and fulfilling my parental responsibilities. Logically, it should be an easy choice; of course, my kids come first.
Yet, I am the default parent in our household. This role is mine all the time, and it becomes burdensome when plans change, schedules get disrupted, or unexpected situations arise. Whether my children are sick, there’s a snow day, or they require an early pick-up or appointment, I’m the one who rearranges our day to accommodate their needs. It’s not that my partner, Alex, never helps out, but more often than not, I’m the one whose time is compromised.
When Alex has early meetings or late commitments that conflict with school drop-off and pick-up, I step in. If there’s a work dinner or trip, I’m the one cooking frozen pizzas and managing bedtime solo.
There’s an unspoken understanding in our home that I must be the flexible one, adapting to whatever arises. I work from home most days, and on those rare occasions when I leave the house, I have clients who are understanding and can reschedule last minute. On the other hand, Alex operates within a demanding corporate setting, where the stakes are high, and the pressure to meet business goals is relentless. The expectation for her to maintain a strong presence at work adds to the stress, knowing that she is navigating a male-dominated environment.
While Alex could occasionally work from home when chaos unfolds, her role at the office feels indispensable in a climate where she manages a team and is often managed by men whose partners play the part of the default parent, like I do. So, I adjust my schedule, juggling childcare while trying to keep up with my work commitments. This arrangement works because my schedule is inherently flexible, but it’s also been crafted out of the necessity to accommodate my family’s needs.
Yes, there is equality in our marriage. We respect and appreciate each other, dividing household responsibilities and finances. However, since Alex provides our health insurance and the bulk of our income, there’s an implicit expectation for my job to take a backseat at times. It’s frustrating for both of us, but it’s the reality we live with.
She often expresses that she would gladly take on the default parent role if the financial dynamics switched. But how can I pursue a full-time career that might lead to that shift when it feels like my main job is to remain flexible? I know my contributions are valued. I know Alex appreciates my reliability and availability. However, there are moments when it seems like my work holds less importance, leading to feelings of being undervalued and unappreciated. This can easily spiral into resentment.
Fortunately, Alex is open to discussions about how I feel. She recognizes the significance of my time and work. While I still find myself in the default parent role most of the time, it means a lot when Alex can occasionally rearrange her schedule to help out. It serves as a reminder of the challenges I face, and it alleviates some of my frustration.
Just because I know I am appreciated doesn’t always erase my crankiness. And even though I would prefer to work rather than care for sick kids, my love for them remains unchanged. It can be tough to be the one consistently sacrificing personal needs for the family’s needs.
In summary, being the default parent often leads to exhaustion and stress, especially when balancing work and family demands. While there’s a system in place, it can feel overwhelming when the unexpected arises. Open communication with partners is essential to ensure both parents feel valued and supported.
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