My 5-year-old is capable of preparing his own peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Occasionally, I assist by opening the peanut butter jar, but I ensure he brings it to me, regardless of whether I’m busy with writing, laundry, or cleaning. He handles the knife, bread, and plate, spreads the jelly and peanut butter, and cleans up afterward—failure to do so results in a stern reminder. And he takes great pride in his achievement.
He often declares, “I can make my own lunch!” and will even volunteer to do it. Similarly, my 9-year-old eagerly asks to prepare my morning coffee, wanting to mix and pour it himself. This simple act signifies trust; it shows he’s capable of handling cream, using the microwave, and dealing with a hot coffee pot. Their independence is something they cherish.
Like many moms, I drive my 5-, 7-, and 9-year-olds to playdates and activities, manage homeschooling, and tackle laundry. I also ensure they complete their chores and accompany them on errands. However, I draw the line at entertaining them. I often make them prepare their own meals and handle their own disputes unless things escalate to physical altercations. While I provide care for their injuries, I expect them to fetch their own Band-Aids—though I’m happy to assist in applying them.
You might label this approach as lazy or as “parenting by benign neglect,” but it has resulted in happier, more self-sufficient children.
When my kids rise in the morning, I ask what they would like for breakfast. If it’s within reach, they’re encouraged to help themselves. If not, I do the bare minimum—pouring cereal into bowls, adding milk, and announcing, “Your cereal is on the counter!” They navigate their way to the table and are responsible for any spills. If they make a mess, they know where the towels are to clean it up. This autonomy allows me to return to my own tasks, whether it’s lesson planning or writing.
They are capable of pouring their own cereal and milk, and if my youngest struggles, his older brother is there to lend a hand. This independence cultivates pride in their abilities. They happily announce their accomplishments, just like my 5-year-old with his sandwiches.
Collaboration among my children is essential. If a chore needs doing, everyone must pitch in; no one wants to be seen as unhelpful. Whether it’s assisting with a squirt gun or searching for a lost Lego frog, they’re quick to lend a hand. They know not to summon me for minor issues; after all, I won’t be the one crawling under furniture to retrieve tiny toys. It’s a family norm that emphasizes independence.
If someone feels hungry between meals, they know exactly where to find the peanut butter, jelly, and bread. Snacks are readily available, allowing them to eat whenever they feel the need—a crucial aspect, especially since they take medication that influences their appetites.
When we’re out shopping, my 9-year-old suggests items like muffins for breakfast or lunch meats for sandwiches, demonstrating his understanding of meal prep. Next, I plan to teach him how to cook frozen veggies in the microwave. He deserves this independence—he’s more than capable, and it will empower him.
I also refrain from mediating their disputes. They must learn to resolve conflicts themselves. If disagreements arise, I encourage them to find a solution. Should tears ensue, I step in to guide them, but my role is to assist, not to solve their problems outright. This practice fosters collaboration and communication.
Most importantly, I do not entertain my kids. While I occasionally engage in play or crafts, I don’t plan activities. I simply open the back door and let them outdoors, listening for the sounds of their laughter. They often dig giant holes, swing on their Ninja Line, or search for toads. Mostly, they are self-sufficient in their play. I only step outside to garden, and they play happily until dusk.
My children are genuinely happy. We share regular family outings, explore nature together, and have meaningful conversations. They cherish each other’s company, with the older ones reading to the younger ones. During a recent trip to Target, my middle son spent his own money to buy LEGO minifigures for his siblings, ensuring they didn’t feel excluded. When I heard this, I couldn’t help but tear up with pride.
I anticipate criticism. Some may call me lazy or question my commitment as a parent if I’m not constantly attending to their needs. But the truth is, I am caring for them—teaching them self-reliance, resilience, and the ability to face the world confidently. In a society often characterized by overprotective parenting, these skills are crucial for their growth. I want them to know they can depend on one another as well.
Today, I saw my middle son climb onto the counter to grab a plate. It brought back fond memories of my own childhood. However, many would deem this behavior unsafe, a relic of a bygone era. I reject that notion. His resourcefulness and independence are commendable traits. With a nod of understanding between us, he retrieved the plate and climbed down. I felt a swell of pride.
In a world where independence is often stifled, I choose to embrace it. My children are thriving, learning to navigate life on their own terms, and that is a success beyond measure.
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Summary
This article explores the concept of benign neglect in parenting, highlighting how allowing children to be independent fosters their self-sufficiency and happiness. The author shares personal anecdotes about encouraging her children to prepare their own meals, resolve conflicts, and entertain themselves, which cultivates valuable life skills. Emphasizing the importance of independence, the author reflects on the joy of seeing her children thrive and grow without constant intervention.