Leaning against the kitchen counter, I found myself staring at a bottle of Tylenol. The refrigerator’s hum filled the quiet space, a stark contrast to the turmoil I felt inside. Earlier, I had spent an hour on the living room floor, my tears ranging from silent to uncontrollable sobs—a performance of pain that only I could witness. I had filled countless pages in my journal with my anguish, even detailing what my parents should do with my belongings when I was gone.
As I gazed at the Tylenol again, I contemplated the quantity I would need to take. At just 14, I was clueless about the effects of drugs on the body and unaware that acetaminophen would not guarantee a swift end. I could become severely ill, but the possibility of dying from liver failure would take days. With my parents due home soon, I realized Tylenol was not a reliable option for suicide.
In that moment, those considerations felt irrelevant. Deep down, I clung to life, yet the thought of enduring the same shame, guilt, and anxiety that enveloped me felt unbearable. Now, at 31, I have moved past that darkness; I am proud of my identity as a gay woman and unafraid of the world’s reactions. I am married to my soulmate, a woman, and we share a fulfilling life I once deemed unattainable. When faced with emotional distress today, I confront it with resilience, armed with tools and insights I lacked in my youth.
I wish I could reach back through time and reassure that troubled teenager that everything would turn out fine. I want to tell her that after many days of sorrow, she would rise and embrace her truth and light. Though hate and pain would still arise, they would never come from those she loved.
At 14, I lacked the understanding I possess now. My grief stemmed from the loss of the person I longed to be—a version of myself that conformed to societal norms, one who could love a boy instead of the girl who was my closest friend. I often reflect on why I felt so trapped and hopeless, even with an openly gay aunt and supportive parents who had never shown me any sign of rejection. Despite their love, I believed that revealing my sexuality would lead to an unchangeable and catastrophic shift in my life.
Recently, the CDC published the results of its 2015 national study on LGBT high school students, revealing shocking statistics. Over 40% of LGB students reported seriously considering suicide, and 29% admitted to attempting it within the past year. This equates to two in five students grappling with suicidal thoughts, while nearly one-third have taken steps to end their lives. Alarmingly, 60% expressed feelings of sadness or hopelessness that hindered their daily lives, and LGB youth experienced bullying at twice the rate of their straight counterparts.
These statistics reflect the struggles of youth who live in a society that allows same-sex marriage yet often still feels that ending their lives is a viable escape. This is especially true for youth of color, transgender, and gender-nonconforming individuals who face daily violence and discrimination. The existence of marriage equality does not erase the deeper issues at play.
To my straight friends: Engage with the children in your lives about love. Discuss it not just in the context of traditional family structures but also in terms of diverse relationships. Have these conversations early and often, ensuring that your children understand there is nothing shameful about their feelings.
To my queer, white married friends: We cannot afford complacency. There is still significant work ahead.
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In summary, the alarming suicide rates among LGBT teens highlight a critical need for increased awareness and support. It’s essential to foster open dialogues about love and identity to create a safer environment for all youth.