Welcome to the wild and unpredictable world of toddlerhood! You might be curious about what the upcoming year has in store for you. Expect late bedtimes, snacks snatched from the counter (despite your best efforts to keep them out of reach), and your parents perhaps engaging in some unexpected behaviors out of sheer desperation. Instead of detailing all the delightful mischief you can create, let’s focus on the key things to avoid. Good luck on this exciting adventure!
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Ignoring Sounds
If your caregivers haven’t thought to take you for a hearing assessment at least once during your second year, they clearly haven’t grasped the toddler lifestyle. Don’t respond to anyone. No glancing upwards! Make them come to you. If you start responding to your name, they will expect you to start following instructions. -
Mess Creation
Mom has made the unfortunate choice to let you handle crayons. She had the audacity to take a phone call during dinner prep. She left her purse within reach—now nothing stands between you and that shiny lipstick. You have a duty to create chaos. Walls, floors, furniture, and even yourself are fair game. Leave no area untouched. Mr. Clean and all the magic erasers will tremble before you. -
Noise Making
Look around! The world is filled with instruments waiting to be played! Bang on pots and pans, crank up the volume on the TV remote, and utilize those powerful lungs you developed in the womb. Not much of a vocabulary yet? A bloodcurdling scream can communicate almost anything. -
Defying Logic
If anyone dares to reason with you, let them feel the consequences of their poor decision. It could be freezing outside, and everyone is in a rush, but if you don’t want to wear your coat, so be it. Your mom may try the “Honey, it’s cold outside” routine, but that won’t change your mind. Instead, you’ll don your diaper and snow boots, leaving her to rethink her life choices. -
Dinner Resistance
Did Mom spend hours preparing your meal? Nope. If you specifically request something and then refuse it, bonus points! Ensure your outrage is proportionate to the effort and love your parents put into the meal you’re definitely not eating. Leftover pizza? Send it flying across the table while locking eyes with your parent. A grilled cheese sandwich? Feed it to the dog, then wail that the dog devoured it. Gourmet meatballs? Stuff them into your mom’s shoes and set them ablaze. -
Claiming Ownership
That toy car? “Mine.” That cookie? “Mine.” Dad’s smartphone? “Mine.” The remote? “Mine.” The entire house? “Mine.” What’s yours is yours, and what’s theirs is also yours. Everyone around you must adhere to the rules of ownership. Show no mercy; everything the light touches is rightfully yours. -
Unyielding Defiance
As a toddler, your mission is to exist, grow, and create havoc. If someone scolds you or puts you in timeout, ensure they regret their actions. Scream, kick, and throw things. Never concede defeat. You have all the time in the world to express your frustration. Make it clear that messing with you comes with consequences!
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In summary, toddlerhood is a time of exploration and chaos, marked by the seven cardinal sins of defiance, noise, and ownership. Armed with this knowledge, you are better prepared for the delightful challenges ahead.