The 10 Most Absurd Things I’ve Uttered to My Toddlers

Parenting

At home insemination

Since becoming a parent, I’ve found myself saying things I never thought would escape my lips, often leading to the most nonsensical questions and statements imaginable. Sometimes I finish speaking and think, “What was that supposed to mean?” Here are some of the most ridiculous things I’ve recently said:

1. “If you don’t put your shoes on, I’m leaving without you.” Seriously, where am I headed without her? The backyard? The garage? Legal limitations abound.
2. “Do you want me to give you a spanking?” As if any child would respond with a “yes” to that query.
3. “If you don’t clean up that mess, you’re going to bed right now.” It’s two in the afternoon!
4. “If you don’t stop, I’ll turn this car around and we’ll head home.” This threat only seems to surface on days when we have important appointments, like a visit to the doctor or preschool.
5. “You have 30 seconds to tidy up those toys, or I’m tossing them all out.” Who wants to deal with the hassle of throwing away all those toys?
6. “If you don’t eat, I won’t give you any more dinner.” This statement is utterly illogical.
7. “I’m going to count to three, and you better stop, or else.” Honestly, I’m not even sure what “or else” entails.
8. “Are you trying to make me angry?” As if my toddlers are plotting against me. They simply tune me out until my patience reaches its limit.
9. “If you don’t start listening, I’m going to stop talking.” Said to the very kids who aren’t listening at all.
10. “If you keep playing with your food, I’m taking it away.” If they’re not eating, they probably aren’t hungry!

I guess I’ll need to step up my game as they get older and become more aware of the fact that they often hold the power in our interactions. Until then, they have 30 seconds, or else…

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In summary, parenting can lead to some of the most absurd conversations, filled with ridiculous threats and confusing logic. As I navigate this wild journey, I realize the need for a new strategy as my toddlers grow and their understanding deepens.