By: Jenna Thompson
Updated: Sep. 14, 2017
Originally Published: Feb. 21, 2014
My daughter, who is in seventh grade at a private school, has attended classes with many of her peers since kindergarten, and some since preschool. While they may not all be particularly close, overt bullying is rare. However, the subtle forms of teasing and undermining are becoming increasingly apparent.
At the start of the school year, I began receiving reports from my daughter about the comments circulating in her class, especially among the girls. These remarks often include lines like:
- “Why are you wearing those leggings?”
- “What did you do with your hair? Just, no.”
- “What is that smell? Don’t you use deodorant? Gross.”
These statements are often delivered in a derisive tone, easily audible to others—whether in the classroom before the bell rings, in hallways while changing classes, or in small groups during lunchtime. While being publicly criticized about personal choices is hard enough, what saddens me the most is that my daughter, who has faced her share of these thoughtless remarks, still considers some of the speakers her friends.
This situation leads me to question whether our girls truly understand the essence of friendship. I reflect on the days when I oversaw her play dates, helping the little girls navigate conflicts over toys. I encouraged them to take turns and discuss hurt feelings, always emphasizing kindness. After a couple of hours filled with play and a bowl of Goldfish, they would leave with smiles and hugs. It seemed so straightforward.
Now, my daughter and her friends have moved beyond play dates; they simply hang out. They often request rides to local coffee shops or retreat to her bedroom, engrossed in whispers and laughter. Their lives are shared through Instagram, Snapchat, and a flurry of texts filled with emojis and acronyms. As a parent, I find myself on the sidelines—available yet seldom sought after. This limited opportunity to guide her through her relationships feels especially troubling at this stage in her life.
Middle school is a time of significant transformation and increased pressures for our daughters: acne, body changes, periods, crushes, dances, the fear of missing out, and the anxiety of being excluded, all compounded by the constant presence of technology. The academic and extracurricular demands are also mounting. It’s a lot for them to manage.
At home, my daughter enjoys love, support, and structure, yet she increasingly turns to her friends for guidance as she begins to understand her identity. Hearing about the lack of empathy among her peers prompts me to consider re-engaging in their social lives, even if it feels uncomfortable or unwelcome.
Educating our daughters about the importance of not bullying and encouraging them to speak up against unkindness is just the beginning. We must also teach them to uplift one another daily. A true friend should provide support rather than succumb to jealousy. She should celebrate your victories instead of dismissing them. In private, she will gently express concerns rather than call you out publicly. She should listen with an open heart. While competition is natural, it should motivate rather than belittle. True friendship champions differences and creativity, opting for compassion over judgment. Our girls deserve nothing less.
While such behavior may be typical for their age, it doesn’t make it acceptable. I don’t believe my daughter has never said something thoughtless to a peer. I don’t expect her to get along with everyone, but I tell her that at the very least, she should refrain from being unkind. If she cannot say anything nice, then she should choose silence. I want her to learn how to be a good friend, to recognize true friendship in others, and to distance herself from those who undermine her confidence.
Girls do not need to tear each other down—there are many others in the world who will do that for them. Instead, I hope to inspire my daughter and her friends to be one another’s greatest supporters, to appreciate the power and beauty of friendship, and to lead with compassion. If you’re interested in exploring more about relationships and support, check out this link to our blog post on home insemination kits. Additionally, for those looking for resources on hormone-regulated cycles, this site offers valuable insights. For comprehensive information on pregnancy and home insemination, this resource is excellent.
In summary, it is crucial for us to teach our daughters the true meaning of friendship—focusing on kindness, support, and compassion. By reinforcing these values, we can cultivate a generation of girls who uplift one another and navigate their social landscapes with empathy.