Once again, it happened. While enjoying dinner with my children, I spotted my daughter’s hand wandering under her dress. “We don’t play with our vulvas at the table. Please go wash your hands and finish your meal,” I gently reprimanded. She nodded, hurried to the bathroom, washed her hands, and returned to her plate.
Young children often explore their bodies. It’s part of their natural curiosity. They have no concept of shame or fear regarding their anatomy; to them, their bodies are simply fascinating. There’s nothing sexual about it—just an innocent exploration of what their bodies can do.
The first time I caught one of my kids engaging in this behavior, I was momentarily taken aback. I didn’t want to react impulsively and shout “No!” or “Stop!”—what would that achieve? I was faced with a decision. After a couple of days of reflection, my opportunity arose again. “Honey, we don’t play with our vulvas in the living room,” I said, and while it sounded a bit strange, it was nonetheless true. I explained, “It’s perfectly okay to touch your vulva, but it’s a private matter. The bathroom or your bedroom is where you can do that.” She smiled and complied, understanding the distinction.
From that point on, our family mantra became, “We don’t eat in the bathroom, and we don’t play with our vulvas in the living room.” Eventually, it evolved into, “We don’t touch our vulvas at the table.”
I consider myself to be “sex positive.” This doesn’t mean I discuss the joys of sex with my four-year-olds, but I strive to be honest about the realities of human anatomy and reproduction. Unlike the tales of the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus, I don’t distort the truth about sex. I want my kids to grow up without shame regarding their bodies or confusion about their functions.
In conversations with other parents, I’ve expressed the idea that I won’t have “the talk” with my children in the traditional sense; they already understand. We frequently read books like Where Did I Come From? and What Makes a Baby, covering the full spectrum of human reproduction. We discuss topics like IVF and cesarean sections, since those are part of their own stories. As they grow, we will also address contraception.
Lying about sex helps no one. Suggesting that sex is “only for mommies and daddies” creates confusion for teenagers full of hormones. Misleading them with notions like, “Sex is only for those who love each other” can lead to dangerous misconceptions. They may wrongly equate sex with love or feel compelled to engage in it to validate their feelings.
The reality is that, generally speaking, people enjoy sex. It’s meant to feel good, or else the human species would not survive. Sex isn’t inherently special or magical; one can have fulfilling experiences even with strangers. Just because something is possible doesn’t mean it’s advisable.
This is the essence of sex-positive parenting: it’s about conveying the truth and allowing children to make informed choices. It’s teaching them that while sex can be pleasurable, it also comes with risks. They should learn about safe practices like using condoms and understand that they can achieve satisfaction independently. (Just not at the dinner table.)
Moreover, it’s crucial to convey that sexual feelings are natural and not sinful or shameful. Sex happens regardless of the choices people make, and it’s essential to equip them with the knowledge to navigate those decisions responsibly.
There’s a stark contrast in approaches to sex education. Some believe that instilling fear will deter sexual behavior, yet abstinence-only education has proven ineffective, often leading to increased teen pregnancy rates.
Being honest about sex doesn’t grant permission; ultimately, individuals control their own bodies and decisions. I strive to communicate this when I remind my children, “We don’t touch our vulvas at the table.” Consent is key, and it is critical to teach them that sexual interactions should only occur with mutual desire.
I don’t dictate their choices; they hold the power. I want to ensure that they never feel they must comply with someone else’s wishes regarding their bodies, especially in terms of sexuality.
I emphasize setting boundaries, understanding appropriate places for certain behaviors, and maintaining hygiene. We reinforce the importance of consent, stopping any playful interaction if they express discomfort.
When discussing pregnancy with friends, we address topics like uteruses, sperm, and eggs. Most of the time, these conversations are brief and uncomplicated.
However, I anticipate that as they grow, discussions will become more complex, covering topics like consent, healthy sexual expression, and the impact of pornography. I am prepared for those conversations, as the foundation has already been established.
“We don’t touch our vulvas at the table” may seem silly, but it encapsulates vital lessons about safety, consent, and social norms. I may struggle to convey, “We don’t lose our virginity in the back seat of a car after prom,” but I can certainly explain, “We don’t engage in sex without careful consideration, and we prioritize safety and maturity.”
Ultimately, I’m glad to be part of the “we.” By emphasizing that we must be cautious, I can assure my children that I’m always on their side. They’ll know they can turn to me for support, regardless of the choices they make.
For more information on parenting and home insemination, visit Make a Mom’s blog. For more resources on motherhood decisions, check out Intracervical Insemination. And if you’re considering fertility treatments, March of Dimes offers excellent resources.
In summary, open conversations about bodies and sex are essential for fostering a healthy understanding of personal boundaries and responsible decision-making.