When I first began my relationship with my future husband, I was enthusiastic about intimacy. Day or night, in various locations—from his office to my living room floor, and even a hidden bar during midday—we were all about it. However, everything changed after childbirth. The act of intimacy quickly fell to the bottom of my priority list, hovering somewhere around number 22, just above “organize the pantry” and far below “get some sleep.” With exhaustion, postpartum challenges, and the demands of nursing, my energy was depleted. By 8 p.m. each evening, I felt entirely touched out.
Most nights, our best effort consisted of holding hands under the covers while we hoped for a few hours of sleep, which “through the night” meant a mere four hours. Once our first child adapted to a sleep routine, we welcomed another baby, and then a third within a few years. You might find it hard to believe, but the vibrant sex life we enjoyed before parenting became a distant memory. We were not engaging in sexual activity as frequently as we desired, nor as often as we had anticipated before having children.
A recent survey conducted by the Expectations vs. Reality campaign in Britain revealed that many parents share this experience. After polling 2,000 expectant and 2,000 current parents, the findings showcased a significant gap between the expectations surrounding parenthood and the realities that follow.
Before having kids, an impressive 92 percent of couples anticipated maintaining their romantic feelings post-baby. Sixty-one percent believed they would enjoy a satisfying love life, eagerly expecting bi-monthly date nights and sexual intimacy three times a week. It’s hard not to chuckle at this notion. My spouse and I are fortunate to manage one outing per month, and if I’m honest, a solo trip to the grocery store counts. As for the idea of sex three times a week? That’s a laugh; I can barely manage to floss regularly.
The desire for intimacy isn’t absent; rather, the physical and emotional demands of parenting often serve as a significant libido deterrent. Infants wake you multiple times during the night, leaving you drained throughout the day. Once they become toddlers, they resist sleep and often end up sharing your bed. As they grow into preteens, they cling to you constantly, whether it be through affectionate gestures or simply needing your attention.
When the physical presence of little ones fades, the worry for their emotional well-being takes center stage. Raising children leaves limited space for intimacy. Yet, before becoming parents, many remain blissfully unaware of these challenges. Despite hearing about the struggles, you tend to think, “That won’t be us.” You genuinely believe that parenthood will enhance your bond as a couple, disregarding studies indicating otherwise.
Almost 25 percent of the surveyed parents expressed dissatisfaction with their romantic lives, with one-fifth indicating that sexual activity was nearly nonexistent. They likely belong to the 57 percent who no longer prioritize date nights, the 31 percent who reported a decline in love, and the 18 percent who have ended their partnerships altogether.
Though the statistics may appear grim, it doesn’t mean you must accept a discontented relationship or near-celibacy until your kids leave home. While scheduling a regular date night might feel unachievable, consider dedicating a few minutes each day to connect one-on-one. Melissa T. Schultz, author of From Mom to Me Again, emphasizes this in an interview with TODAY Parents, suggesting it’s crucial for sustaining a healthy relationship. Alternatively, you could take a cue from celebrity couples like Jay-Z and Beyoncé, who have created relationship bucket lists to explore fun activities together.
Regarding intimacy, psychotherapist David Thompson advocates for making it a priority. In an interview with the National Post, he stated that it’s essential to view intimacy not as a chore but as an experience worth valuing. So, if elevating “sex” on my priority list is the answer to marital happiness, I’d happily set aside cleaning the pantry—if only I could first secure seven hours of uninterrupted sleep.
For more insights on navigating parenthood and intimacy, check out our post on the artificial insemination kit. Additionally, you can find valuable information about pregnancy and related topics at the CDC’s fantastic resource on infertility.
In summary, the journey of parenthood often leads to unexpected challenges in maintaining intimacy, as many couples find their sexual lives diminished. Despite statistical evidence suggesting a decline in romantic satisfaction, it is crucial to prioritize connection and communication to foster a healthy relationship.