My household is predominantly female—there’s me, my daughter, and even our dog is female. My son stands as the sole male in our home, a reality that emerged after I became a single mom when my husband, and my children’s father, passed away after a rapid and brutal fight with brain cancer.
Reflecting on my own upbringing, I recall a similar dynamic. My mother, sister, and I made up a household that was very much female, with my brother being the only boy amidst all that femininity. Much like me, my mother was a single parent, though her situation arose from my father leaving us without a backward glance, save for the occasional belated birthday call.
During those years, it was all too common for adults to pull my brother aside and tell him he needed to take on the role of “man of the house” now that my mother was on her own. He was merely six when our dad exited the picture. I remember witnessing these conversations, seeing his spirit droop as he absorbed the heavy expectations placed upon him. It was an unfair burden, one that even as a child, I recognized was too much to shoulder.
Now, I find those same words directed at my son—though thankfully, not as frequently as my brother experienced. Usually, it’s older men who look him in the eye and insist, “You know, you need to be the man of the house now.” This time, I know I must speak up.
Implying that a child should be “the man of the house” following the loss of their father—regardless of the circumstances—is deeply problematic. What does it even mean to be “the man” of the house? Such phrases are rooted in outdated gender norms and heteronormative expectations. Why must a household have a man? What unique qualities does a man bring that a woman cannot? For nearly four years, I have managed our home single-handedly and can assert that while having another adult to share responsibilities would be helpful, it is certainly not a necessity, nor does that individual need to be male. I’m confident that if I partnered with another solo mom, we would create an incredible household.
Furthermore, telling my son he must fulfill the role of “man of the house” undermines my capabilities as a parent. While I understand the intention behind such comments—perhaps meant to encourage my strong-willed son to do his chores without resistance—it inherently suggests that the speaker believes I am not enough. This notion that I require my son to fill in for me only serves to amplify the insecurities I grapple with as a single parent.
Not only does this affect me, but it also sends a troubling message to him—that I am inadequate, and he must take on extra burdens. This is the part that truly breaks my heart: the weight of expectation placed on him.
I witnessed firsthand how my brother struggled under the heavy expectations of others. He often felt like a failure for not being able to take on responsibilities that were never his to bear. I refuse to allow my son to face that same struggle.
As a parent, my foremost duty is to protect my children—this is a responsibility I take seriously. That is why my reaction to the phrase “man of the house” is immediate and intense, aiming to erase it from my son’s consciousness. He does not need to take on extra responsibilities; he should be a child who feels loved and secure. He shouldn’t have to step into oversized shoes when life throws challenges our way.
It’s 2021, and it’s high time we stop telling the sons of single (or solo) mothers that they must be the “man of the house.” In fact, it’s long overdue to retire that phrase altogether.
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In summary, the expectation for sons of single mothers to assume the role of “man of the house” is outdated and unfair. These children should be allowed to grow up without the burden of adult responsibilities, focusing instead on their own emotional well-being and development.