It’s astounding how adults often create unnecessary awkwardness and potential harm with their comments about children. Many don’t recognize the implications of what they say, and when I try to point it out—whether it’s family or a random stranger—I often come off as the bad guy. For example, no, cashier, I don’t want you telling my son that girls would kill for his eyelashes. And to the stranger at the rest stop, my “gorgeous daughter” is not a heartbreaker, and I certainly won’t be locking her up. And Grandpa, I really don’t know if my 8-year-old daughter and her male friend will tie the knot someday. They’re 8, far too young to be thinking about dating or marriage.
Yet, this happens all the time. Adults often gender children’s characteristics—long eyelashes aren’t exclusively feminine, just as short hair isn’t solely masculine. Moreover, placing emotional responsibility on a child for someone else’s feelings—like blaming a girl for breaking a boy’s heart—is misguided. If someone experiences unrequited love, it’s not the child’s fault, nor should they feel pressured to alter their behavior to accommodate someone else’s emotions. When kids of different genders play together, adults often mistakenly assume their friendship must be romantic.
It’s time we stop asking young kids if their friends are their ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’. Doing so implies a binary view of gender, based solely on how a child presents themselves—through clothing, hairstyles, or physical features. Many children identify as nonbinary or gender fluid, and making assumptions based on appearance not only looks foolish, it can also be harmful.
Labeling friendships in a romantic way also reinforces the idea that heterosexual relationships are the default. Why is it that adult comments only romanticize boy-girl friendships? If we’re going to throw around labels, shouldn’t we do the same for two girls or two boys hanging out? The bias in these assumptions perpetuates the damaging notion that heterosexual love is the only “normal” love. We are neglecting to teach our children that love and sexuality exist on a spectrum and that there’s nothing wrong with diverse expressions of affection.
During my own childhood, I was aware that I was different and understood my identity as gay. But I also felt the pressure to conform to societal expectations, keeping my feelings hidden and my crushes to myself. Valentine’s Day was particularly painful, as the expectation was that I should have a male Valentine. My relationships with boys were often misconstrued as romantic, which created a sense of discomfort.
Kids generally find the notion of romantic affection outside their family to be cringe-worthy, and suggesting otherwise can cause embarrassment. Children can be teased for having friends of a different gender, and this is nonsense. We must stop stigmatizing innocent friendships with adult concepts that reinforce heterosexual norms.
I’m grateful that my kids have a diverse group of friends. Two of them are outgoing and easily connect with others, while my third child prefers one-on-one interactions. As a parent, my role is to help them navigate these relationships healthily. I encourage them to be open-minded, teaching them that friendships should not be limited by gender, race, or other factors. They should not be subject to adult interpretations of their relationships as romantic or possessive.
Kids need supportive friendships, regardless of gender. They don’t need adults making inappropriate jokes about prom or marriage.
In conclusion, let’s allow children the space to form friendships without the added pressure of romantic labels. They deserve the freedom to explore relationships in a way that feels natural to them, unencumbered by societal expectations.
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