As I approached the third trimester of my first pregnancy (with twins), I couldn’t shake the unsettling thoughts about what lay ahead. I envisioned myself a few months postpartum, cradling both babies, sweat trickling down my face, and sobbing uncontrollably.
“Brace yourself,” I told my partner.
It’s a strange sensation, preparing for what could be a depressive episode. But considering that 30-50% of new mothers face varying degrees of depression, it felt like a realistic expectation, especially for those with multiples. My doctors had already started handing me questionnaires, asking how often I felt like harming myself on a scale of one to five.
Yet, when the twins arrived and we settled into a routine, I found myself navigating motherhood better than anticipated. Sure, it was a significant lifestyle shift, and there were moments of tears, but overall, I felt happier, more supported, and more loved than I ever had before.
However, unlike most new mothers, I had already faced postpartum depression four years prior when I first met my five-year-old stepdaughter.
My stepdaughter and I share a strong bond and a genuine friendship; she welcomed me into her life almost immediately. Despite this smooth transition, becoming a stepparent was still a major adjustment.
I had been with my partner for six months before meeting his daughter. We wanted to ensure our relationship was solid before introducing her. In my naiveté, I thought of his daughter as merely an accessory to our lives—a part of the picture but not the entire canvas. Yet, when we were together—me, my new partner, and his daughter—I felt more like the accessory. The child naturally became the focus. From that moment on, my responsibilities shifted significantly. My life was now tied to a child who wasn’t biologically mine.
About a month into my stepparenting journey, I found myself crying for reasons I couldn’t articulate. Breathing became labored, and I lay awake at night, counting my breaths and questioning whether I was inhaling too deeply or too shallowly. I didn’t understand what was happening to me. I made three visits to the doctor that fall, but each time I was sent home without answers.
When my twins were three months old, I attended a “New Moms Group” for mothers with infants under six months. I was the only one there with twins, and I was also the only stepparent. When I mentioned to the other mothers that I believed I had experienced postpartum depression as a stepparent, they seemed curious but quickly dismissed my comparison.
“Postpartum depression is hormonal,” they insisted.
And just like that, the conversation ended. Biology often takes precedence in these discussions.
However, depression isn’t solely a physiological response. Fathers can experience postpartum depression, as can adoptive parents. And yes, stepparents can too.
Becoming a mother requires adjusting to new roles and identities, which can lead to anxiety and depression. Stepparents navigate these shifts as well, but often without the same support systems. There’s a lack of community resources for stepparents, and they’re rarely included alongside biological mothers.
Critics might argue that stepparents have the choice to walk away—that the child isn’t their legal dependent. But that doesn’t negate the very real anxiety that comes with stepparenting. How many relationships have ended due to unrecognized postpartum depression in stepparents?
There’s been a recent increase in awareness about the postpartum period, which I appreciate. Anything that helps de-stigmatize mental health and encourages self-care is a win for all. Public figures like Mia Johnson and Alex Rivera have bravely shared their struggles with postpartum blues, providing much-needed support to parents everywhere. But what often gets overlooked is that managing depression hinges on having a support system, something stepparents frequently lack.
With my twins, I benefitted from the guidance of doctors, nurses, doulas, community centers, friends, and mom groups. But as a stepparent, I had none of that. Even friends who met and liked my partner would question my choices.
“Is he really worth it?” they would ask.
There were times I wasn’t entirely sure.
Loving someone with a child from a previous relationship means becoming part of a family that has been fractured, even if you weren’t the cause of that fracture. Society permits mothers to feel both joy and sadness, but stepparents are often denied that emotional spectrum. If you’re joyful in bonding with your stepchildren, you risk overstepping boundaries. If you feel frustration or anger, you’re labeled as unkind.
As Lisa Doodson, author of How to be a Happy Stepmum, pointed out in an article for HuffPost, “I interviewed 250 stepmothers and discovered they had significantly higher anxiety levels and depression than biological mothers, along with less support than traditional families.”
Many stepparents meet their “children” while their relationship with the biological parent is still relatively new. They might feel a sense of commitment, as I did, but the path ahead remains uncertain. When a woman gives birth, she is a mother from that moment on. For stepparents, the timeline is murky. Do they become a mother when they first meet their partner’s child? Is it once they marry? What if the relationship with the biological parent ends—are they still considered a mother? Should they even attempt to fulfill that role? These questions often linger without resolution.
My anxiety gradually diminished as I grew more confident in my role, cultivated a personal bond with my stepdaughter, and made choices to enhance my own well-being. It took about a year, but I no longer felt like an extra in someone else’s life. Of course, I still have my off days filled with sadness, jealousy, and even anger. But I also experience joy, contentment, and gratitude. Isn’t that the nature of parenthood?
As author Wednesday Martin noted in the Dear Sugar podcast about stepparenting, “You want to fall somewhere between an aunt and an ally.”
My relationship with my stepdaughter, a fun-loving kid who embraced me wholeheartedly, made this balance easier to strike. For many, however, it’s a real challenge.
Now, my twins are three years old, and they adore their big sister, who reciprocates that love. I’ve found peace in my roles as both a mother and a stepmother. I’ve weathered the postpartum journey for all my children, including my stepchild. Society needs to recognize and provide resources for all types of postpartum depression, making sure that stepparents are included within discussions about mental health and support.
If you’re looking for more information about postpartum experiences, be sure to check out this blog post that delves deeper into similar topics. Additionally, resources like the CDC offer excellent support for pregnancy and home insemination. For natural skincare during this period, you can explore insights from this authority.
Summary:
Stepparents can experience their own form of postpartum depression, often without the support and resources available to biological parents. The journey of becoming a stepparent comes with its own set of challenges, including feelings of anxiety, isolation, and the struggle to define one’s role within a blended family. While many stepparents find joy and fulfillment, the lack of community and understanding around their experiences can lead to significant emotional distress. It’s crucial for society to recognize and support the mental health needs of stepparents.