When my partner and I first explored the possibility of adopting from China, we were faced with the daunting expectation of a six-year wait for a child. Our journey felt like it had come to an abrupt halt before it even began. However, our adoption agency encouraged us to consider the special needs program, which promised a shorter wait time. My initial response? A resounding “No way!”
The term “special needs” felt overwhelming to me. I believed it was something you dealt with if it was handed to you—a belief rooted in the notion that “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” While I admired those who chose to parent children with special needs, I didn’t see myself among them. Nevertheless, rather than flee from the topic, we decided to educate ourselves about what we might be declining.
The range of conditions categorized under China’s special needs adoption program can vary significantly, from minor issues like a missing thumb to more complex conditions such as Spina Bifida. Families have the opportunity to select which medical needs they feel comfortable parenting. After thorough research and some deep breaths, we jumped into the world of special needs adoption.
It can be challenging to understand why some cultures label minor physical differences as “special needs.” I mention this not to critique cultural attitudes, but to encourage a reconsideration of what special needs adoption might mean for your family.
Early in our paperwork process, we received a list of various conditions. Among them was “limb differences.” Curious about this term, I turned to my trusted resource, Dr. Google, and discovered it referred to congenital absence or malformation of limbs, which can sometimes arise from injury or illness. The causes for such differences are often unknown. I thought, “We can handle that,” and marked the box.
A few weeks later, I found myself gazing at a photo of a seventeen-month-old boy with a “congenital hand abnormality.” I instantly fell in love with the child in the picture.
Life with a Child Who Has a Limb Difference
So, what is life like with a child who has a limb difference? My son, now four, is missing his right hand, which has a stub and four finger nubs. As any parent of a spirited little boy might agree, I often find myself shouting “Get down!” and “Don’t touch!” countless times a day.
His capabilities astound me. He can climb ladders, catch balls, and open containers he shouldn’t. He can even outmaneuver his brother, boldly snatching toys from other children and teasingly holding them just out of reach until they cry (I can’t help but feel a sense of pride). Recently, he got into trouble for covering my Kindle in body lotion, pretending it was a baby. I’ve used many adjectives to describe my little whirlwind, but “handicapped” has never been one of them.
My son is growing up adapting his surroundings to suit his abilities. While buttons and shoelaces are tricky, he’s already mastered push-ups at the tender age of four. I have no doubt that this little powerhouse will achieve whatever he sets his mind to.
Navigating Responses to Stares and Comments
One of the most challenging aspects of parenting a child with a limb difference is navigating my responses to people’s stares and comments. Children are naturally curious, often wanting to know why his hand looks different or if it hurts (most adults can usually deduce that it’s a congenital issue). Kids readily accept my explanation that “this is how he was made” and continue their play, whether that involves climbing a jungle gym or trying to reclaim a toy from my little grabber.
Occasionally, we encounter rudeness or ignorance. I remember a seven-year-old boy shouting, “OMG did you SEE that kid’s hand?” loudly enough for the entire neighborhood to hear. Another time, a woman on the bus reacted as if she’d spotted a mythical creature, exclaiming how “gross” it looked. It takes effort to remain composed and not reply with something snarky (or trip them and pretend it was an accident). While my instinct is to defend my son against unkind remarks, I resist this urge. If I intervene in every instance, he won’t learn how to navigate a world where some people can be less than kind.
It’s inevitable that people will notice his unique anatomy. He’ll need to develop his own strategy for handling comments, especially the negative ones. We all wish for our children to have an easy life, and it can be hard to see him wanting to fit in while standing out. His limb difference isn’t always the first thing people notice about him, but eventually, it becomes apparent. Reactions can vary from indifference to friendly curiosity, with meanness being a rare occurrence. While he hasn’t faced teasing yet, I’m sure that day will come—likely when I’m not around (kids have a knack for being sneaky).
Looking Ahead
There is no “cure” for limb differences. While future technology may lead to advancements like lab-grown limbs, we are not there yet. I can’t identify anything he’s unable to do that would be significantly improved by a prosthesis, so we’ve decided to wait until he’s older to explore that option. When the time comes, a cosmetic semi-functional prosthetic that resembles a real hand could be available. Ultimately, we want the choice to be his.
He affectionately refers to his little hand as…well, his little hand. He’s happy to show it to anyone who’s curious and often says, “It’s just my little hand.” Then he’ll enthusiastically compliment your outfit or ask if you have candy in your bag, showcasing his charming personality. Sometimes we call it his “lucky fin,” inspired by Nemo. This is how I explain his limb difference to children. I’m grateful Disney has introduced relatable characters with limb differences, as otherwise, we’d be left with Captain Hook—who has a less than favorable reputation.
Conclusion
In conclusion, embracing the journey of adopting a child with a limb difference can be incredibly rewarding. It fosters an understanding of the diverse ways individuals can navigate the world. Every child’s journey is unique, and in our case, it has been filled with love, laughter, and resilience.
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