In the winter of 1993, I received a phone call that would change everything. It was January 2, 1993, at 8 a.m. My heart raced with anticipation—could it be that he thought of me first thing in the morning? Perhaps he was eager to reiterate his love for me?
Instead, the news shattered my hopes: “I think we need to take a break.” Those words echoed in my mind as silence enveloped me, and I struggled to grasp the reality of our breakup. After an awkward exchange, I hung up and immediately documented those heart-wrenching words in my diary.
The tears came swiftly and uncontrollably, leaving me unable to eat, and I was so distraught that I even lost my dinner. I was just 14, and he was my first boyfriend and my first kiss. I had fallen hard, and my emotional state was a complete mess.
That winter, I found solace in my bedroom, pouring my heart out to friends over the phone, scribbling furiously in my diary, and listening to music that resonated with my heartbreak. Looking back, I realize that music played a crucial role in my healing journey. There were other women—yes, I viewed myself as a woman even then—who felt the same anguish, and the lyrics of their songs provided the perfect backdrop for my own writing, which eventually evolved into poetry (not great poetry, but it marked the start of my writing journey).
The early ’90s saw a surge of incredible female singer-songwriters, but four stood out: Tori, Sarah, Sophie, and Sinéad (I felt a connection with them as if we were on a first-name basis). Even now, their music transports me back to that time, evoking memories of burning Nag Champa incense and wearing a purple scrunchie on my wrist as I filled my diary with my thoughts.
Tori Amos
Tori Amos was a lifeline during that period. Her album Little Earthquakes became the anthem for navigating love and heartbreak. “Tear In Your Hand” captured the essence of breakup emotions with its mix of anger, vulnerability, and desire. The line, “I don’t believe you’re leaving / ‘Cause me and Charles Manson like the same ice cream,” still manages to take my breath away.
Sarah McLachlan
Then, there was Sarah McLachlan, whose Solace album I discovered at a record store (remember those?). Her hauntingly beautiful voice and profound lyrics resonated deeply, and I found myself listening to it on repeat, curled up in a ball, sobbing freely.
Sophie B. Hawkins
Sophie B. Hawkins had me captivated, too. Her hit “Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover” seemed tailor-made for my feelings, brimming with sexual innuendo and longing. That climactic moment when she sings, “and I returned as chained and bound to you,” still hits me hard.
Sinéad O’Connor
Lastly, Sinéad O’Connor’s “Nothing Compares 2 U” echoed the depths of mourning that I felt. Her striking appearance and raw emotion conveyed the agony of breakups perfectly. Her song inspired me to write my own version (which I hope never sees the light of day).
These songs weren’t just entertainment; they were a lifeline. Teenage heartbreak can feel isolating and overwhelming. I found it difficult to share my feelings with friends and family, as the shame of vulnerability felt too heavy. Yet, through these artists, I discovered the permission to grieve and express my emotions.
I held onto the hope of a happy ending, yet none of the songs hinted at reconciliation. My boy meant it when he said we needed to “cool it.” However, by the following fall, we were back together, realizing that what we had was indeed special. At 15, we were a bit older and more equipped to handle our feelings.
Looking back, I’m grateful for that heartache. It allowed me to explore emotions I needed to confront and introduced me to remarkable women singer-songwriters who shaped my artistic voice. I also learned that a breakup is a rite of passage in the human experience. That boy and I never parted ways again, and this fall marks 22 years since we reunited. Next month, we’ll celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary.
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Summary
This reflective piece recounts the emotional roller coaster of a teenage breakup in the early ’90s, highlighting the author’s connection to music and female singer-songwriters during that time. It emphasizes how music provided solace and helped navigate feelings of heartbreak while also marking the beginning of the author’s writing journey. The narrative concludes with a celebration of enduring love and the lessons learned from youthful heartache.