I foolishly believed that being confined at home with my family—yes, all six of us—would turn into a delightful experience. With the COVID-19 pandemic leading many of us to stay indoors, I imagined we would cherish this family time. I pictured cozy movie nights on the couch and cheerful days filled with chores, schoolwork, and snacks. I even thought that with my partner working from home, we might enjoy some extended “adult time” after the kids went to bed.
But let me be clear: social isolation has been anything but romantic. Instead, it’s become a complete thief of our libido. The reality is that we are more drained than ever, juggling the demands of helping our children with their education while managing our own jobs, maintaining a semblance of order in the house, cooking meals, and keeping the kids entertained. Exhaustion has taken over, leaving little room for intimacy.
We find ourselves in wrinkled loungewear—essentially pajamas—brewing endless pots of coffee, and reminding our kids for the umpteenth time to finish their assignments. We alternate helping with schoolwork, tackling the never-ending dishes, and checking in on our at-risk parents via video calls. The thought of romance is the last thing on our minds.
By the time we finally get all four kids settled in bed, we’re nearly asleep ourselves. Instead of heading to bed at a reasonable hour, we stay up late to catch up on the adult shows we can’t watch with the kids around. Initially, I thought our isolation would lead to cozy evenings with wine and flirtation, but reality has proven otherwise.
We’re not wearing anything enticing to bed. Instead, we’re stuck in a rotation of the same three outfits. My hair is tied up in a messy bun, while my partner hasn’t styled his hair in ages. He looks great in a button-up shirt, but those are now hanging in the closet, untouched.
It feels like we’ve been in this isolation for an eternity. We often lose track of what day it is—Tuesday, Wednesday, maybe Saturday? The once-anticipated weekend brunches have been replaced by dad whipping up pancakes while mom brews more coffee.
Some people insist that teamwork in marriage is alluring. Cooking together, for instance, is supposed to be sensual. But I’m not interested in wearing just an apron and sneaking kisses while trying to manage four very energetic children. My focus is on finishing meal prep as quickly as possible so I can tackle the mountain of dishes waiting for me before collapsing into bed—not for romance, but for some much-needed sleep.
Honestly, the ongoing pandemic is draining our desire for intimacy. The constant barrage of unsettling news and an ever-growing to-do list only adds to the pressure. Homeschooling one child is challenging enough, but four? We’re both educated individuals, yet this home-schooling endeavor is no simple task. We still have to manage our jobs and pay the bills, and a night of passion isn’t likely to help us achieve any of this.
Sure, we could make an effort. I could shave my legs and put on some makeup, while my partner could light some candles, and we could turn off the TV for once. Yet, the reality is that we simply don’t. Even if we get to a point where we might consider intimacy, interruptions are almost guaranteed.
There’s also the persistent worry about the virus. What if one of us unknowingly has it, and a moment of intimacy leads to complications? I know it sounds paranoid, but I can’t shake that thought. The guilt of potentially missing one last intimate moment together if something were to happen looms large. Obviously, intimacy is just one aspect of a partnership, but my anxiety keeps pushing me to think about it. Shouldn’t I want to be closer right now? Daytime intimacy sounded thrilling when we had our regular routines, but now, it seems impossible for a thousand valid reasons.
As we approach the end of our first month in isolation, I’m realizing the importance of being forgiving towards ourselves and each other. We’re all doing our best to navigate this unprecedented situation. I remain hopeful that we’ll eventually find our rhythm again.
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In summary, social isolation has challenged our intimacy, leading to exhaustion and distraction. As we navigate this new reality, it’s crucial to extend grace to ourselves and our partners.