My only child, Ethan, celebrated his tenth birthday in October. It’s hard to believe a whole decade has passed since he came into my world. In just ten more years, he will be twenty… Wait, what? Oh my goodness, my little boy will be twenty! In ten years, he won’t be living at home anymore. But honestly, I don’t even have ten years; I really have just eight. In eight short years, Ethan will finish high school and head off to college. He will leave me, and I’ll be left on my own (if my husband were reading this, he’d joke about being forgotten and then laugh at my dramatic thoughts).
Alright, I need to pull myself out of this spiral. Let’s think positively… like the fact that my birthday is this month! I’ve organized a fun girls’ night to celebrate turning… 40. I always knew this milestone would arrive, and I planned to embrace it by sipping cocktails from a shared fruity bowl and belting out classics like “Sweet Caroline” and “Piano Man.” Yet, with only two weeks left in my thirties, the excitement has faded. I’m stepping into a new decade, one that likely comes with gray hair and the reality that my only child is about to leave me. What should I do?
Have another baby.
Whoa, where did that come from? Have a baby! Even if I tell myself that 40 is the new 30, biologically speaking, 40 is considered old for having children. Terms like “geriatric pregnancy” and “advanced maternal age” are not exactly encouraging. I can’t possibly have another child.
But then I remember that many women have babies after forty—like Jennifer Lopez, Sarah Jessica Parker, and even my friend Lily. If all goes well, I could have another child. However, that would mean a significant age gap between Ethan and his future sibling. The days of sleepless nights, diaper changes, toddler meltdowns, and exorbitant daycare fees are long behind me. Life with a ten-year-old is relatively simple. Why would I want to complicate things?
I think I might be experiencing a midlife crisis. Can you have one of those while feeling content and like you’re living your best life? I have a fulfilling job, a loving husband, and a cozy home. My extended family is supportive, and I have an incredible circle of friends. I’m just a year away from completing my MBA, and I enjoy frequent vacations. Plus, I have Ethan, the joy of my life. Nothing brings me as much happiness as being his mom.
Yet, here I am, watching my little boy grow up. Each birthday means he needs me a little less. Don’t misunderstand; it’s been a true privilege to witness him become the remarkable young person he is. I cherish our bond, and he still shows his affection by cuddling, holding my hand, and telling me he loves me to the moon and back. But I know time is not on my side. His friends are becoming his priority, and family outings are becoming less appealing. Video games have replaced the joy of building Legos or solving puzzles together. It won’t be long before he finds it uncool to be seen with me, and eventually, girls will come into the picture, vying for his attention.
Sigh.
I miss being the center of Ethan’s universe. I miss the days when his face would light up at the sight of me and he’d run into my arms. Sometimes I long for those moments pushing a stroller, shopping for tiny outfits, singing nursery rhymes, or reading the same bedtime story over and over. I miss rocking him to sleep. So, the real question is: am I simply being nostalgic, or do I genuinely desire to have another child? How can I tell the difference?
I know this might make me seem silly or even ungrateful. I sometimes feel selfish for not giving Ethan a sibling years ago. Guilt creeps in as I know he would make an excellent big brother. Over the years, I’ve faced judgment for having only one child, but guilt isn’t a valid reason to have a baby. And let’s be honest; while I love being a mom, it can be incredibly challenging! Ethan was a tough baby and an even tougher toddler. He challenged our patience time and again, and he still does.
I guess I can only hope this internal conflict makes me sound relatable. It’s perfectly normal to feel torn, emotional, and uncertain about the choices ahead. I take comfort in knowing I’m not alone in these feelings—many women are grappling with their own family size dilemmas.
Have another baby?
Oh, but I would REALLY miss my wine.
As my husband and I navigate this decision, I’ll embrace turning 40. I’ll cultivate gratitude and brush off any guilt because, ultimately, there’s no right or wrong choice here. I will remain present and cherish every moment with my one and only… because the clock is ticking.
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Summary
The article explores the author’s feelings of nostalgia and uncertainty about expanding her family as she approaches her 40s. While celebrating her son Ethan’s tenth birthday, she grapples with the realities of motherhood, the changes in her child’s independence, and societal pressures regarding family size. Ultimately, she reflects on her life, questioning whether her desire for another child stems from a midlife crisis or genuine longing, all while embracing the joys of her current life.