Last fall, I found myself overwhelmed by the weight of daily responsibilities, feeling like I was carrying the entire mental load of our family. I remember sitting on the couch, tears streaming down my face, trying to explain to my husband, Ben, that I was simply exhausted by the countless tasks that seemed to go unnoticed by him.
You know the drill, right? It’s that invisible burden of managing everything that keeps a family running smoothly—things like scheduling doctor appointments, budgeting finances, stocking up on groceries and school supplies, remembering birthdays, and coordinating everyone’s social events. The list is endless.
Creating a Plan
In a bid to share this mental burden more fairly, we decided to create a plan. We made a list of responsibilities—basically, the things Ben would now be accountable for, leaving me to handle the rest by default. He would manage the paperwork in the kids’ homework folders, handle calls about bills, and take charge of scheduling doctor visits. We even agreed to split family responsibilities: he would manage his side of the family, while I handled mine, which included planning gatherings and keeping in touch with aging relatives. It seemed straightforward enough.
The Holiday Chaos
However, everything turned chaotic when the holiday season approached. Holidays are particularly hectic, packed with tasks that are easy to overlook unless you’re the one managing them.
Here’s where things went south. Ben has a 90-year-old aunt who generously sends us a financial gift every year just before the holidays. All she asks for in return is a thank you call after the check arrives. In previous years, I had always taken care of this, but this time it was Ben’s turn. I reminded him about it several times, and eventually, he assured me that he had taken care of it.
Fast forward a few weeks to a family holiday gathering. I approached his aunt, gave her a warm hug, and said, “I know Ben thanked you, but I wanted to express my gratitude again for your lovely gift.” To my horror, she looked at me, confused and slightly irritated, and replied, “No, he didn’t.”
In that moment, I felt terrible. I knew how much this meant to her, and I realized that my husband had dropped the ball. I forced out an apology, mumbling something about being busy and asking him to handle it. I wasn’t about to explain to her that we were trying to share the mental load of our household responsibilities—she wouldn’t have understood.
Her response was, “Well, you could have made time to call me.” Even though I had crafted a flimsy excuse, her reaction was valid. I quickly excused myself and locked myself in a nearby bathroom, fighting back tears.
Back at Square One
I thought, “Here we are again, back at square one.” It felt like I was still the one responsible for thanking her for the gift, and now Ben’s oversight led to me feeling guilty. It seemed worse than if I had just done it myself—much, much worse, actually.
Eventually, I tracked Ben down at the party and confronted him about the situation. He assured me he had indeed reached out to her. Guess what? He had sent her an email. An email! He hadn’t even checked if she had received it. I was floored.
It was fortunate we were at a family gathering, where we had to keep it together instead of erupting into a full-blown argument. I couldn’t believe he thought an email was sufficient for thanking his elderly aunt.
I made him go over and apologize profusely to her. She was forgiving, but still reminded us that a phone call would have been more appropriate.
Moving Forward
So how is the sharing of the mental load going since that fiasco? Well, it’s a work in progress. Nothing as embarrassing or infuriating has happened since then, but I still find it hard to fully trust that Ben will follow through on his commitments without a detailed checklist. He manages to complete his tasks, but it often requires numerous reminders, which somewhat defeats the purpose of sharing the load.
However, I do recognize that I’m “lucky” to have a partner willing to engage in these discussions and make an effort to contribute. I’m trying to be more patient, understanding that learning curves come with mistakes.
Now, nearly a year later, I can chuckle at the “email thank you” incident. Still, I sometimes feel the urge to punch Ben for that blunder. Can you blame me?
Further Reading
If you’re interested in more relatable stories, check out this other blog post. For expert advice on managing family dynamics, visit this resource. And for pregnancy-related information, Healthline offers excellent resources.
Conclusion
In summary, sharing the mental load in a partnership can be challenging and often leads to misunderstandings, but with patience and communication, growth can happen.