I’ve always been a fairly candid person, which can sometimes be a flaw of mine. I have a tendency to overshare with people I barely know. For instance, during a light-hearted chat about the high costs of wedding dresses, I might jokingly reveal that my husband and I tied the knot when I was three months along. Yes, I’m that person.
While this openness has raised a few eyebrows at PTA meetings, it has also helped me cultivate a very honest relationship with my children. We discuss all topics, including the more sensitive ones.
In my teenage years, my friends and I referred to sex as “it.” We debated who was doing it, who should do it, and whether we would or wouldn’t. Back in the ’80s, parents rarely had frank conversations about sex with their kids. You might receive “the talk” at 16, but then you were mostly left to navigate things alone.
Fast forward to 2017, and our attitudes should have evolved. We’re supposed to be more open-minded and communicative, right? Wrong! Many parents still shy away from discussing sex with their children, and if you’re one of them, it’s a significant oversight. The reality is that “it” is all around us.
Let’s be direct: we’re talking about sex—and it’s everywhere, especially online. If you think your child is unaware, think again. Approximately 85-90% of kids aged 13 and up in middle-class America have smartphones with internet access. Even if your child doesn’t own one, their friends likely do.
We face a generation of teens who mistakenly believe that pornography reflects reality. Many parents might confidently assert, “My child has never seen porn.” However, studies show that during their teenage years, a staggering 93% of boys and 62% of girls encounter online pornography, whether they’re looking for it or not.
As our kids navigate the tumultuous waters of puberty, they need accurate information. Questions will arise, and it’s crucial that you are the trusted source they turn to for answers. You want your voice to guide them in making important choices. Here are my top five strategies for encouraging open communication about sex—and much more—with my kids. Remember, I’m no sex expert, just an experienced mom who values connection.
1. Listen and Observe
Sometimes, kids express big questions through seemingly trivial comments. Pay attention, or you might miss vital signs. A casual remark like, “They don’t want me to go anyway” can hint at deeper concerns. Be present and quiet when needed.
2. Engage Them in Conversation
Choose a comfortable setting without distractions—like during a car ride or while walking together. Frequent discussions about everyday topics can pave the way for more significant conversations. Get to know your child’s friends and interests. Instead of asking vague questions like “How was your day?”, inquire about specific events, such as how they fared on a recent test.
3. Practice Honesty
Once you’ve moved past the Santa Claus phase, commit to honesty about everything, including financial challenges or personal mistakes. Kids have an innate ability to sense when you’re not being truthful. If you establish a foundation of honesty, they’ll feel secure coming to you with their big questions.
4. Show Vulnerability
Your children want to know the real you. Share stories about your own imperfections, like a childhood misdeed or a moment of regret. By being open about your feelings and how you navigated challenges, you foster trust. Don’t pretend to be flawless; it will only create distance.
5. Embrace Humor
Keep things light when possible. Avoid overreacting to minor issues; laughter can be a powerful bonding tool. A family that can navigate tough moments with humor is often more resilient than one that can’t. Kids thrive in a happy environment, so create that atmosphere.
You might be thinking: “How does this relate to talking about sex?” The truth is, discussions about sex stem from the overall relationship you have with your kids. It’s about openness, trust, and love. If these elements are in place, discussing topics like oral sex becomes much more manageable.
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In summary, creating an environment of trust, openness, and humor will not only help you navigate conversations about sex but will also strengthen your overall relationship with your children.