Self-Regulation Isn’t Innate for Me, But I’m Making Progress

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I treated myself to a delicious latte on my birthday, but as I walked through the door and tried to set it down to accept the handmade cards from my kids, I completely missed the counter. The cup shattered on the floor, and I realized I hadn’t even taken a sip before the coffee was spilling everywhere. I felt frustrated, disappointed, and a bit embarrassed. I could have easily let those emotions take over and reacted in a way that wouldn’t help anyone. Anger and blame would have been scary and unfair to those around me. In that moment, I chose to stay composed. This ability to manage my reactions didn’t come easy; it took years of practice in self-regulation.

My feelings were legitimate, but instead of losing my cool, I took a deep breath and expressed my sadness, assuring everyone that once the mess was cleaned up, I would head out for another latte. I refused to let a spilled drink ruin my special day. My kids jumped in to help clean up the mess, showing concern for me, and my ex-partner praised my calm response. I felt a sense of pride in how I handled the situation.

While many people might react similarly, I didn’t grow up in an environment that modeled healthy emotional regulation. In the past, I’ve reacted poorly to smaller setbacks, often losing my temper and directing frustration at anyone nearby. This is partly due to my personality and partly a result of the learned behaviors from my upbringing.

In my family, big emotions were often expressed through yelling, throwing things, or storming off. Rather than supporting each other in processing our feelings, my family dynamic tended to escalate the situation or deny the existence of those emotions altogether.

I’m not perfect at regulating my moods, but I’m committed to improving with each difficult situation. As an exhausted parent of three young children, I face daily challenges that test my patience. I still find myself yelling or making unreasonable threats when overwhelmed. I sometimes say things out of frustration to get desired results. My anxiety can build, affecting how I interact with my kids, and I don’t want to fall into the same patterns I experienced growing up.

Instead of reacting angrily, I strive to express my feelings to my children. I might say, “I’m feeling really frustrated right now. I need to step away for a moment,” or “I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed; I’ll take a short walk to clear my head.” Sometimes these words come out through clenched teeth and forced calm, but I am trying to model better self-regulation than what I observed as a child. My kids may not always appreciate these boundaries, especially when it means stepping away from what they want. However, their unhappiness doesn’t indicate a lack of safety or emotional well-being, which I prioritize above all.

When they were toddlers, I found it challenging to watch them become so frustrated that they would tantrum and cry. Their overwhelming emotions triggered my discomfort, but I recognized it was important for them to navigate their feelings in ways that were safe for them and others. I would say things like, “I see you’re frustrated; it’s okay to take a break,” or “I understand you’re mad; hitting your sister isn’t right, but you can hit a pillow instead.”

I’m not perfect; I make mistakes based on my emotions. However, I’m aware and intentional about my actions, committed to demonstrating how to manage feelings. If I slip up, I always address my mistakes and discuss how I could have handled things differently. My goal is to equip my kids with the tools they need for emotional growth and to strengthen their relationships.

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In summary, I’m continually striving to improve my emotional regulation and serve as a better role model for my children. By expressing my feelings and encouraging them to process their own, I hope to break the cycle of unhealthy emotional responses and foster a nurturing environment.