As soon as that little one arrives, everyone and their Uncle Joe is ready with a slew of advice on how to drop the baby weight and reclaim your pre-pregnancy figure. (It’s still uncertain where that figure went, but apparently, it’s MIA, and now it’s your mission to coax it back.)
What’s truly remarkable is how “easy” this advice seems. Seriously. Especially when you’re a new mom whose entire world has just been turned “upside down,” as my 4-year-old would put it.
So, what’s the plan? Well, just follow these steps. Like I said: Couldn’t be simpler.
- Get Active. Wow, what a revelation! So, all we need to do is move? Should we do this before or after that terrifying first post-partum bathroom visit? And how many stitches can we afford to pop? I’m assuming this is instead of sleeping when the baby sleeps, right? Good thing none of these post-delivery tips contradict each other, or that would be just confusing.
- Avoid Dieting; Focus on Healthy Eating. Right, because those two concepts are totally different. Does snacking on your toddler’s leftover chicken nuggets during the brief moments of free time count? Those must be organic, right?
- Breastfeed. Of course! We thought those were for nurturing our little ones. How long do you think it’ll take for our babies to suck the cellulite out of our bodies?
- Start Weight Training. Finally, the perfect time to use that home gym we’ve been neglecting! Good thing our six-week-olds are so eager to entertain themselves while we lift weights.
- Drink Plenty of Water. Easy enough. Does it matter if it’s red or white? Oh, you meant water!
- Take Naps. Wait, I thought we were supposed to be active? Can we fit these naps in between other crucial tasks, like organizing our unicorn collection and chatting with the Keebler Elves?
- Incorporate Superfoods. If chicken nuggets aren’t considered superfoods, does that mean we’re expected to make the rest of the family eat stinky fish, yogurt, and blueberries for the next six months? I’m sure we can manage individualized menus and special grocery trips. We absolutely have the time for that!
- Hire a Dietitian. We were thinking about spending that cash on diapers instead, but sure—making our muffin tops a priority is essential. Plus, we’re certain the dietitian will provide more than just advice on napping and munching on superfoods.
- Join Weight Loss Groups with Other Moms. We were just saying how much free time we have during the day for bonding over how our maternity jeans seem to have shrunk post-baby. Our proposed meeting time is right after our rejuvenating afternoon naps, in case you want to join.
- Snack on High-Fiber Foods. Finally, it wouldn’t be fair for the babies to be the only ones experiencing frequent diaper changes.
So there you have it, folks. Shedding baby weight and getting your pre-pregnancy body back is totally a walk in the park. Honestly, I can’t think of anything simpler—other than perhaps splitting atoms with sheer willpower.
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In summary, while the advice on losing baby weight may seem straightforward, the reality of motherhood can complicate even the simplest tasks. Finding time for self-care while balancing the demands of a newborn is no small feat, but with some humor and support, it can be managed.