In my daily life, I often encounter expectant mothers, their growing bellies elegantly accentuated by lovely striped dresses and flowing tunics. I can’t help but notice their radiant glow and palpable joy, carrying within them a future filled with promise, soon to unfold in weeks, or even days.
The memories of my own pregnancy still feel fresh, like soil in my hands, a reminder of the primal cycles of life. I can vividly recall the sensation of tiny hands and feet pressing against my belly as I envisioned myself in a long red cotton dress, 36 weeks along. I remember thinking, “Not much longer now,” and just three weeks later, the child I had longed for arrived.
My journey to motherhood was not without its challenges, marked by detours and obstacles. An ill-fated marriage ended in divorce when I was 33, leaving me single and anxious about realizing my dream of becoming a parent. But fate intervened when I met the right partner, and we took our time as a couple before deciding to expand our family.
On New Year’s Eve in 2008, I shared the joyful news with my husband: we were going to be parents. I was filled with relief, believing that from that moment on, everything would be smooth sailing. But reality proved otherwise. We faced numerous hurdles, including Hyperemesis Gravidarum, gestational diabetes leading to a c-section, and struggles with nursing and postpartum anxiety. Despite our love for our son, we chose to stop at one child, realizing that the idealized family of four was not our path.
Acknowledging that I will never experience pregnancy again is sobering. It brings a stark reminder of life’s impermanence—the moments I will never relive, like turning 16 or 21, and even the little things like school field trips. My youthful beauty is giving way to the realities of middle age, and while my body remains capable, my mind often feels like it’s still in its twenties. Time is not just passing; it’s rushing by.
Yet, I look forward to new experiences. I’ve moved beyond the uncertainties of my twenties and embraced what real love means. I’ve found confidence in my choices and no longer feel the need to wear trendy clothes to fit in. However, the thought of never holding my own baby again takes my breath away.
As Jennifer Aniston once said, “I have mothered many things.” While I may not welcome another child into my life, I can still be a wonderful surrogate aunt to my friends who are on their journeys to parenthood, including one friend expecting her ninth child. I can support aspiring women writers and serve as a role model. Someday, if fate permits, I hope to be a grandmother and cradle another special child.
Now, I embrace my role as a mother, cherishing the beauty of my experiences. If you catch me gazing wistfully at a pregnant woman, please know that I am lost in fond memories.
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In summary, while I reflect on my past, I also find excitement in the future, as motherhood has been the most rewarding chapter of my life.