Recently, I had a conversation with an old high school buddy online, and we found ourselves reminiscing about our upcoming 20-year class reunion. It was a startling realization that two decades had passed. As we caught up on life, children, and the usual banter, she asked me a question that left me momentarily speechless: “Are you happy?”
You’d think this would be a straightforward question with a clear “yes” or “no” answer. I wish it were that simple. But for someone grappling with depression, the question of happiness is anything but straightforward.
Many people mistakenly equate depression with just feeling sad or having a case of the blues. They often see it as a temporary state, something that can be easily resolved with a vacation or a day at the spa. However, that’s a misunderstanding.
As someone living with depression, it frustrates me when people toss around the term so lightly. Phrases like “that’s depressing” to describe minor inconveniences trivialize the real struggle. It’s similar to someone casually saying, “My diabetes is acting up” when they don’t actually have diabetes.
It’s vital for those who haven’t experienced depression to understand that it’s not something you can simply shake off. Unlike sadness, which can lift with time and self-care, depression is a persistent condition. It can flip your emotional landscape upside down, making feelings of despair, failure, and anxiety your new normal. Without ongoing treatment, whether it’s therapy or medication, it’s easy to spiral down into those dark thoughts.
What I experience is a constant battle with my mind. I might feel a sense of failure when I’m achieving my goals or experience anxiety in calm situations. I can feel hopeless even in times of stability. It requires deliberate effort to maintain a logical perspective on life, reminding myself of the positives. This includes finding the right balance of medication, practicing mindfulness, and engaging in physical activity to help manage anxiety.
The Journey Through Darkness
There are definitely ups and downs with depression. My struggle with obsessive-compulsive disorder began when I was 19, coinciding with the death of my father, leading to a particularly dark period in my life. I was on the brink of taking my own life back then.
Fast forward to now, I’m 37, educated, have a fulfilling career, a wonderful partner named Lisa, and a family of incredibly adorable kids. I take medication daily and see a therapist regularly. Yet, I still occasionally grapple with thoughts of suicide. But reflecting on what I would have missed if I had acted on those thoughts back then—my kids, my wife, my achievements—keeps me motivated to keep fighting.
Recently, I faced another tough patch mentally. I found myself revisiting those dark thoughts, but then I remembered all that I would have lost. While it didn’t erase my depression or anxiety, it gave me a glimmer of hope to help me continue pushing forward.
Answering the Question
So, back to that question from my high school friend: “Are you happy?” I mulled it over. I wanted to say “yes” because it’s easier. Living with depression often means giving people the simple answer they want instead of delving into the complexities of my reality. Instead, I opened up about my clinical depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder, explaining that while there are good and bad moments, I’m managing. So, am I happy? Am I sad? It’s not a simple answer.
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Conclusion
In summary, grappling with depression is an ongoing battle that involves complex feelings and experiences. It’s essential to communicate the nuances rather than oversimplify the struggle, as it can vary from day to day.