I find myself missing my mother. Is it permissible to express that sentiment? Can someone who distanced themselves from a loved one during their lifetime still feel that absence once they are gone? I believe so, or at least I hope to, because I do indeed miss her.
Before her passing, I felt a void, but it was different then. She was present in body, yet emotionally distant—nothing like the nurturing figure she had once been. My longing was accompanied by a sort of self-pity, a whining tone that I am certain would have driven anyone listening to distraction.
I craved her guidance, her matriarchal influence, especially when I was overwhelmed by motherhood—juggling laundry and postpartum realities while yearning for a reassuring voice. I wanted her to assure me that, “It gets easier,” and for me to genuinely believe her words. In my mind, I envisioned her blissfully tending to her garden, adorned with sun hats and dirt under her nails, surrounded by the warm chaos of grandchildren.
The truth, however, was far grimmer. She wasn’t okay; she was battling her own demons. I often forgot how much she suffered, focusing instead on my own grievances.
Now that she is gone, my sense of loss has transformed. It’s an ache that resonates deep within me, a feeling that connects to the essence of who I am—my heartbeat, my love for my children, and even my culinary preferences. I reflect on the years that were stripped away from her, and my heart breaks anew—not out of frustration or loneliness, but from a place of empathy.
I miss her simply because I am her daughter.
I share this to remind you that it’s completely valid to feel whatever you’re feeling about the voids in your life. Whether it’s anger, sadness, or even laughter at life’s absurdities, it’s all part of the human experience. Emotions can fluctuate wildly, leaving us dizzy and overwhelmed.
And here’s the message I yearned to hear from my own mother: it does get easier.
Wherever you are on your journey, embrace it. Remember, you are not alone. For those exploring similar paths, there are resources like the excellent guide on donor insemination at American Pregnancy that can provide support. Also, if you’re considering home insemination, check out this insightful article on alleviating conception stress from Make a Mom. And for a comprehensive home insemination kit, visit this link.
Summary:
The author reflects on the complexities of missing a mother after estrangement. The narrative explores themes of longing, empathy, and acceptance while encouraging readers to embrace their feelings. It emphasizes that healing is a journey, and one is never truly alone in their experiences.