As a feminist expecting a child, I envisioned a balanced partnership with my husband, where parenting responsibilities would be equally shared. Fast forward four years, and I found myself designated as the Primary Caregiver, both at home and beyond. I was not only managing more than half of the parenting and household tasks but also juggling several part-time jobs to match a full-time salary.
While it’s common for women to apologize too frequently, I realized that the situation was largely of my own making. I regret not having more open conversations with my husband. I regret that our child was growing up under the impression that women solely manage the household.
What Does It Mean to Be a Primary Caregiver?
It’s the person daycare calls when a child falls ill, despite the other parent working nearby. It’s the one who ensures the child’s favorite pajamas are clean for “pajama day” at school. Legally, this role is referred to as the “primary custodial parent.” In simpler terms, it’s the individual who takes on most of the child-related and domestic responsibilities—that individual was me.
I experienced pregnancy and attempted breastfeeding—two realms I felt were undoubtedly mine. However, after our child’s first birthday, the expectation was that we would return to an equitable partnership. Yet, I found myself still sending emails to his teachers and RSVPing for birthday parties. I was the one scouring sales for our child’s clothes and learning the names of his friends and their parents. I was carrying the emotional load for our family of three.
My husband would take our child for bike rides and assist with bedtime routines, but his involvement felt distinctly different from managing the daily nitty-gritty of our lives. One day, when our child mentioned, “Daddy is a professor,” I asked him what I did for work. His cheerful reply was, “My mommy.” While I cherish my role as his mother, I was also a writer and educator, and I wanted to be recognized for those identities.
This led to a growing resentment toward my husband. The first year of parenting was exhausting, especially while recovering from a C-section and dealing with a poor sleeper. I also found myself envious of my husband’s successes. Though I was occasionally able to write poetry and present at conferences, my career progress was stalling compared to his. I began to wonder if I could write more and earn a higher salary despite the motherhood penalty.
By this point, we were both in our forties and had navigated life as independent adults before marriage. We had always supported one another. So why had we fallen into this pattern? Why did I habitually interject, “I’ll handle it” whenever he offered help?
Communication is Key
As our child slept, often too late into the night, we began to argue. My husband finally asked, “What do you need me to do to share the load?” At that moment, I understood. Deep down, I wanted to shift the blame, but he was right. Whenever he offered to do the laundry or dishes, I would insist I could manage. I was stuck in a cycle of pride regarding tasks that, in reality, should be shared equally.
Was I trapped by societal expectations of motherhood? Would anyone come to check if I had finished cleaning the kitchen, or would my potential poetry ever be recognized by the outside world?
The most profound realization struck me: communication, the foundation of any relationship, is equally vital after becoming parents. We needed to engage in open dialogue. After over a decade together, we had somehow overlooked this essential aspect.
Cynthia Kane, author of How to Communicate Like a Buddhist, emphasizes that compassion in communication begins when we acknowledge the perspective of the other person, transforming them from an adversary into a partner. It was time for us to reconnect through compassionate communication.
Creating a Plan
We decided to sit down and devise a plan, utilizing our shared electronic calendar. We agreed that each of us would work late one night weekly, split the laundry and grocery responsibilities, and coordinate ordering household necessities and child-related items. I would pursue writing residencies, and he would limit his conference presentations. We aimed to balance our contributions more equitably.
Additionally, we committed to more date nights, reminding ourselves why we fell in love over ten years ago. Optimism was rekindled.
Conclusion
In conclusion, navigating the complexities of parenthood requires both open communication and shared responsibilities. By acknowledging and addressing these dynamics, couples can foster a healthier family life.
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