As 2015 began, I decided instead of making New Year’s resolutions, I would focus on improving myself from the previous year. One of my key goals was to become a more nurturing mother. Regrettably, I found myself feeling ashamed of how I interacted with my children. While I can teach them essential life skills like good manners, hard work, and even how to operate the lawnmower, I often allow my frustrations to overshadow my intentions.
I lose my patience when they don’t follow through on tasks I request every single day. Did you brush your teeth? Is your bed made? Have you put your dirty dishes away? You’re nodding along, right? I can only imagine how tired they must be of my constant reminders, as I am certainly weary of repeating myself. I’ve convinced myself that my yelling is justified because I’ve already asked multiple times. Yet, I keep falling into the nagging trap while expecting different outcomes.
Why can’t you just do it without me asking for the umpteenth time? What part of “no” is unclear? If I have to remind you to do this one more time, I might just explode!
These reactions are not parenting; they are shaming. Deep down, I know that’s not who I want to be. I aspire to be a mom who laughs with her children, shows them empathy, forgives their mistakes, and leads by example. I yearn for strong, unbreakable bonds with my family, yet I fear I have been driving a wedge between us. How can I cultivate positive relationships while shaming my kids? Parenting should be centered on love and understanding, not embarrassment and resentment.
I’ve come to recognize that our parenting styles often mirror those we experienced in our own childhoods. A compelling article in Psychology Today refers to this pattern as “a legacy of distorted love.” It struck a chord with me. Brené Brown’s book, Daring Greatly, dedicates an entire chapter to shame, which resonated deeply with my own experiences. She writes, “Often, not being good at vulnerability means we’re damn good at shame.”
It’s ironic because I express vulnerability in my writing (like this article), yet I struggle to embrace it as a parent. I feel the pressure to be the one with all the answers, the one who guides my children along their paths. The truth is, my biggest error hasn’t been striving for perfection; it has been hiding my own imperfections from them.
When my children stumble, I mistakenly feel their failures reflect my own. Instead of using these moments as teaching opportunities, I often create a cycle of shame that detracts from valuable lessons. This reaction only perpetuates the cycle of guilt and self-doubt, leaving me to wonder if I’ve caused irreparable damage.
What if they look back on their childhood with confusion? What if they believe they’re not good enough? What if they resent me?
I am slowly learning that my past doesn’t define me. Brené states, “Own the story. Don’t bury it and let it fester or define me… If you own this story, you get to write the ending.”
So here I stand, ready to craft a new narrative:
- Because I love my children, I will empower them to be strong and independent by living courageously and according to my values.
- Because I love my children, I will encourage them to dream boldly and listen to their hearts by embodying what inspires me.
- Because I love my children, I will model healthy relationships by embracing vulnerability and being a supportive friend.
- Because I love my children, I will teach them the importance of hard work and humility by working alongside them and allowing failure to be a part of the journey.
- Because I love my children, I will foster an attitude of abundance by practicing gratitude and rejecting fear.
- Because I love my children, I will help them appreciate their unique qualities by sharing my own story of imperfection.
- Because I love my children, I will strive to be a better mom by respecting them as individuals and parenting with love rather than shame.
I’m ready to embrace the calm that comes after the storm.
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Summary
This article reflects on the author’s journey to improve their parenting style by fostering open communication rather than resorting to shame. It emphasizes the importance of embracing imperfection and vulnerability in order to build stronger, more compassionate relationships with their children.