By: Mia Collins
Updated: November 28, 2023
Originally Published: November 27, 2023
My therapist mentioned recently that modern working moms spend more time with their children than stay-at-home mothers did in the 1950s. Honestly, I find myself yearning for a taste of that simpler parenting style. I envy those bygone moms, leisurely enjoying cocktails on their porches in chic dresses while their kids freely explored the neighborhood until dinner.
Instead, I’m glued to my phone, fingers racing to manage an avalanche of parenting-related emails, all while attempting to carve out “quality time” with whichever child I’m currently dropping off. How did we transition from that carefree lifestyle to this chaotic routine? Those moms would be utterly overwhelmed by today’s parenting demands.
Here I am, a typical mom in 2023, teetering on the edge of a breakdown. With four kids enrolled in three different schools across New York City, I’m forced to work full-time just to keep up with the relentless pace. Some of these challenges are self-imposed; I often wonder why I signed them up for soccer, gymnastics, and animal care classes if it’s such a hassle to get everyone there on time. But how could I not? I would be depriving them of valuable experiences! The thought of my kids missing out is terrifying.
Yet, during our unstructured time at home, they rarely seem bored. Just the other day, my little ones entertained themselves for over an hour, gleefully pulling each other around the living room on a broom. Who knew that a laundry “claw” could be the hottest toy in our house?
My inbox is overflowing with requests. Every class has a curriculum night, cocktail party, and a coffee session for moms. Each class also requires special snacks or donations that would be catastrophic for my children if I forgot, like bringing in a stuffed animal for chapel or a box of rice (yes, rice!) for the school picnic. I just added an iCal reminder for when Eli the stuffed elephant comes home with us. Those 1950s moms had it easy without email!
It’s not just the school activities; every extracurricular seems to require an orientation, a viewing class (with medals!), and specific outfit changes. “This week, wear black shorts and a white T-shirt!” Why?! Then there are class trips, chaperoning, picture days, and PTA meetings. My calendar is a jumbled mess of overlapping events, and I can hardly see what’s beneath it. Plus, there are so many apps to subscribe to just to keep up with my kids’ activities.
God forbid I try to schedule anything for myself, like a long-overdue dentist appointment for that tooth that’s been sending electric shocks every time I eat. And let’s be honest, when do I even find time to eat? The stress of constant parenting rarely lets up, except for that brief window between 9:30 p.m. when my eldest goes to bed and 11 p.m. when my youngest starts coming in for water or cuddles. I should be using that time to reconnect with my husband or tackle the 6,000 digital photos piling up, but instead, I find myself raiding the pantry for snacks—vanilla animal crackers and a shot of tequila have become my go-to.
Speaking of alcohol, I’ve never felt so reliant on my nightly glass of wine. Recently, my doctor prescribed antibiotics, and I put off starting them for almost two weeks because I couldn’t bear to forgo my cherished evening drink.
I used to love working out, but these days, my workouts consist of merely getting my kids to their practices. Even if I manage to hop on the elliptical for 30 minutes, I end up fielding calls from the school nurse or confirming doctor’s appointments, realizing I haven’t even listened to a full song before I have to leave to pick up my son.
I’m exhausted and ready to throw in the towel—yes, the one with my daughter’s name tag sewn onto it. I can’t keep track of Kids in Sports T-shirts or find the perfect birthday gifts for parties, let alone for my own friends and family. I can’t rush from bedtime stories to cocktail parties and then back to spelling quizzes and math homework (what even is the greatest common factor?). I barely have time to shave my legs, let alone get a manicure or wax my eyebrows. Somehow, I manage to appear put together on the outside, but inside I’m crumbling.
In the past four years, there’s only been one night when no kids woke me up. And let’s not forget the complexities of co-parenting, which adds another layer of stress—managing schedules, packing for different homes, and navigating communications with my ex while celebrating my new marriage. Just the other morning, as I tried to respond to a playdate email while digesting another note from my ex, my new husband tried to be affectionate. Seriously? I’m in full-on mom mode here!
With the little ones sneaking into my bed every night, intimacy is practically impossible. I often wonder how relationships thrive under the strain of modern parenting. I’m fortunate that my new husband and I get to spend time together every other weekend when my ex has the kids, but without that, I’m not sure how we’d manage. And I adore him. Raising children today (especially in a big city) can be a recipe for marital strife and emotional turmoil.
But what can we cut back? Maybe moms could team up for events—like, “I’ll handle curriculum night, and you take the parent-teacher conferences.” Perhaps we could encourage schools to reduce the number of communications and events. I might even consider skipping some of them altogether. Yet, I’d miss connecting with other parents who don’t exclusively chat about Paw Patrol. I rarely have the chance to catch up with friends outside of school drop-offs, and those conversations are essential for my sanity.
The truth is, I had these kids because I genuinely love them, and I want to spend time with them—snuggling, laughing, and playing. I didn’t sign up for the role of family manager; I wanted to be a nurturing mom, not an executive organizing carpools.
I believe we need a movement to reclaim a mother’s (or father’s) right to sanity, to play with our children without the burden of constantly managing schedules and emails. Parenting shouldn’t feel like a corporate job filled with forms and logistics. We need a break so we can be the caregivers we aspire to be, rather than stressed-out executives.
Just yesterday, I received an email asking for empty toilet paper rolls. No. Just no! I can’t do it anymore. Instead, I’m taking my kids to the local bookstore for an hour of reading, coloring, and simply enjoying each other’s company. If that makes me a negligent class mom, so be it.
In summary, modern parenting often feels overwhelming, with a constant barrage of commitments and responsibilities that can overshadow the joys of simply being with our children. Finding a balance is crucial to reclaiming our sanity and nurturing our relationships.
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