Let’s be real: the idea of having it all can feel overwhelming.
First, let me acknowledge my own privileges: I’m a white woman with a college degree, married, residing in a charming mountain town, and I have a career that I truly enjoy. I know I’m fortunate.
But here’s what my reality of “having it all” really looks like: Just the other day, I was striding down the street to check the mail, feeling quite proud of myself. I have a 3 1/2-year-old and just welcomed a newborn a month ago. In that time, I’ve been working nearly non-stop, and it’s been rewarding. I’ve managed to cover all our family expenses and keep my partner’s business afloat—all without mentioning my recent childbirth to anyone.
Just as I was patting myself on the back for these “achievements,” an unfortunate incident occurred—I had a little accident right there in my light-gray sweatpants. My neighbor waved as I awkwardly walked past, trying to hide my embarrassment. By the time I got home, I had to jump onto a conference call still wearing those wet pants. Thankfully, the baby remained quiet during the call, but as soon as it was over, I had to tend to a screaming infant, which left me in those pants for another half-hour. After burping the baby and getting a nice spit-up in my hair, I had no time to fix it and just clipped it back. I changed my pants, ready to tackle more work. Bring it on, world—I’m a strong woman, and I can handle it all.
At 5 PM, my older child burst into the room, asking about the brownies I had promised. I hadn’t made them. Then my husband inquired about dinner plans. I quickly tossed the baby into a sling and headed downstairs to whip up food and brownies.
“Uh-oh,” I muttered to myself.
“What’s wrong?” my husband asked.
“I think I popped a stitch,” I replied.
“Isn’t that bad?”
“Well, it feels wrong down there, and yes, it probably is, but realistically, what can I do about it?”
After a long-overdue shower, I realized my recovery was not going as planned. At my postpartum checkup, my doctor had grimly noted, “The stitches are almost dissolved, but the healing is ongoing.” Charming, right? Back in bed, ice pack in place, baby nursing, laptop balanced on my lap, I reflected on how I hadn’t left my room in a month aside from quick food runs. I took exactly one day off to give birth. Let that sink in.
As I glanced around, I saw a pile of laundry looming and a bag of dirty diapers nearby. The smell was less than pleasant.
I’m not alone in this. My husband contributes significantly more than average, and I’m not working a minimum-wage job. The only real challenge I face is being a working mother in the U.S.
It seems to me that the whole concept of “having it all” has been drastically misunderstood. The feminist movements of the past aimed to create choices for women—not to suggest that we should juggle everything simultaneously.
You want to enjoy a fulfilling career? Go for it. Prefer to stay home with the kids? That’s great too. Want a mix of both? Fantastic. But the expectation that we can do everything at once is unrealistic and unfair.
What we really need to address is the societal pressure on women to have careers and children without adequate support. There’s a stark lack of maternity leave, affordable childcare, and the stigma surrounding mothers who ask for help. Society tells us we should handle it all without acknowledging the realities of parenting and recovery from childbirth.
It’s also essential to understand that this isn’t an anti-male sentiment; it’s a call for everyone to do better. I’ve faced more criticism from other women regarding my parenting choices than from men. The challenges women encounter often differ from those men face.
Let’s stop perpetuating the myth that women should be able to balance everything seamlessly. The truth is, if you want a career and kids, both will inevitably suffer. You’ll feel stretched thin and never quite good enough at either role.
We need to create a culture where women can choose to be childless or take a step back from work without judgment. It should be perfectly acceptable for women to admit they are pregnant or take time off to recover without fearing for their careers.
Ultimately, we should redefine what “having it all” means and allow each woman to determine her own version of fulfillment. Because when I think back on the first month of my son’s life, it’s disheartening to realize I was more focused on hiding my new parenting role than embracing it.
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In summary, the notion of “having it all” is outdated and unrealistic. We must foster an environment that truly supports women in their choices, whether that means having children, pursuing a career, or both—and recognize that each woman’s path is unique.