Recently, in a private group of mothers, an open dialogue emerged about the challenges of marriage, marking a significant moment of honesty among us. Once a few women voiced their struggles, the conversation flourished, revealing that many were grappling with serious marital issues. Some are contemplating separation without their partners’ knowledge, while others have even begun dividing assets and preparing for divorce without having informed their children. Several are in therapy, either individually or as couples, and some have nearly reached the point of divorce only to rediscover happiness through counseling or other means.
The consensus in the discussion was clear: “Marriage is not a fairytale; it’s incredibly challenging, so accept it.” Alongside this sentiment, many echoed that “love has its ups and downs, so hang in there—it can get better.” This advice is practical and grounded. It’s unrealistic to expect a marriage to be flawless or for one partner to meet every need. Marriage is fraught with difficulties, requiring effort, humility, and compromise.
Sometimes, just knowing that others share our struggles can rekindle our hope or provide the strength to keep working on our relationships. However, we must add an important caveat to the notion that “marriage isn’t a fairytale”: not all problems are typical. Some marital issues can be deeply rooted, and persistent unhappiness may signal that the differences are irreconcilable.
When someone’s instincts are telling them something is wrong, yet they are met with the persistent reassurance that “this is normal—after all, marriage isn’t a fairytale,” they may choose to ignore their intuition. They might remain in a relationship when they truly shouldn’t. I understand this all too well, as I am currently navigating the end of a 15-year marriage. I stayed far too long, battling dissatisfaction and discomfort, convinced that my feelings were merely part of the marital experience. I encountered this narrative everywhere and, as a result, I brushed my feelings aside, believing it was what I was supposed to do.
While my situation is unique—my decision to leave is closely tied to my realization that I am gay—it was compounded by a general dislike for my husband. We had contrasting interests; I loved literature, while he had little appreciation for reading. Our senses of humor didn’t align, and my enjoyment of art was met with indifference from him. These may seem like minor differences, but shouldn’t one find joy in the company of their spouse? I struggled to connect with him; given a choice, I always preferred to spend time with my friends rather than him. I felt discontent and unfulfilled for a long time.
However, my sexual orientation is only part of the picture. There were deeper issues at play that should have been red flags regardless of my identity. I found myself in a relationship with someone I didn’t respect—he was inconsiderate, rude to service staff, and exhibited an array of unkind behaviors. I often acted as his moral guide, telling myself it was just part of being married. I had learned that feelings of contempt were a significant warning sign in a relationship, which led me to suppress those feelings, convinced that they indicated a flaw within me.
For years, I told myself my attraction to women stemmed from my unhappiness in marriage. “Marriage isn’t a fairytale,” I reminded myself, thinking perhaps I was expecting too much. I sought advice from friends and scoured the internet with queries like, “Is it normal to dislike your husband?” Time and again, I was reassured that my feelings were typical—that marriage is hard and requires work. Suggestions like “plan date nights” or “take exciting trips” filled my ears, even when I felt no desire to participate.
I was stuck in a state of disinterest, grappling with my identity while ignoring glaring issues in my marriage. This message—that marriage is inherently difficult—can be detrimental to those truly unhappy or feeling unsafe in their relationships. Not every marriage ends up in a state of mediocrity; some couples thrive, like my brother and his wife, who have built a joyful partnership over two decades, bickering yet clearly supportive of one another.
While it’s essential to recognize that marriage demands hard work, we must also be honest with ourselves about whether the underlying causes of our unhappiness can change. For me, my identity is unchangeable, but I believe even if I weren’t gay, my marriage would still have led to an end. You cannot transform someone into a better person if they don’t wish to change. I never intended to play the role of a moral compass in my relationship.
In matters of marriage, blanket advice can be misleading. Each person must assess their own situation, as they are the only ones who truly understand the nuances of their relationship. They alone can determine if their circumstances might be improved enough to restore their happiness.
While a fairytale marriage may not exist, there is no singular definition of “normal.” Continuously promoting the idea that a certain level of discontent is acceptable can leave those in genuinely unhappy marriages feeling trapped and flawed. Life is too short for anyone to feel obligated to settle for less than they deserve.
For more insights into navigating relationships and enhancing fertility, check out this post on boosting fertility supplements. Additionally, if you’re looking for a peaceful getaway before welcoming a new addition to your family, take a look at these top babymoon destinations. For further reading on pregnancy and home insemination, this resource is excellent.
Summary
Marriage can be difficult, but it’s vital to recognize when issues are beyond the norm. Individuals must evaluate their unique situations and understand that not all relationships are meant to last. Seeking advice can be helpful, but ultimately, personal feelings and instincts should guide decisions about staying or leaving.