In a world where emotional abuse often goes unnoticed, it’s crucial to understand its signs and realize that you deserve so much better. We frequently hear the phrase “you deserve better,” but what does that really mean? Many of us have grown up with flawed relationship models, whether from family dynamics or the unrealistic portrayals in media, particularly in sitcoms and comedies. It can lead us to believe that unkindness is acceptable in a relationship— but it absolutely isn’t.
Consider the story of “the only guy I’ve ever had to kick out of a bar,” also known as “the guy who lashed out at his girlfriend for ordering a drink.” On a chaotic Saturday night, a group approached the bar. One man leaned over the counter, acting like he owned the place. When I asked if he needed anything, he dismissively shook his head. No problem, I thought, as one of the women in the group ordered drinks. Suddenly, he exploded, shouting, “Really?!” at her.
I returned with the drinks only to find him berating her further, repeatedly yelling “Really? Really?!” in that all-too-familiar drunken aggression. Just to clarify, it’s essential to recognize that there are no “abusive drunks”— only drunk abusers. If someone is abusive when they drink, then they are simply abusive, period.
As he continued his tirade, I stepped forward and confronted him. “That’s enough!” I declared, invading his personal space. “This is not acceptable! Either stop or leave.” He departed, still seething. When I handed the woman her check, I leaned in and said, “You don’t deserve this. No matter what happened tonight, you deserve better.”
You deserve better than enduring emotional abuse. Abusers thrive on your belief that you deserve their treatment. They’ll manipulate you into thinking it’s your fault, employing every tactic to make you feel like the problem. If you respond to their emotional games, they’ll adopt a “woe is me” persona, and they will intimidate you when necessary. They may even use emotional leverage against you to keep you stuck.
The truth is, even if some of their claims hold water, you deserve a partner who communicates like an adult—someone who approaches conflict constructively, allowing your dignity to remain intact. There is no reason to belittle someone to express dissatisfaction or hurt feelings.
We often fail to see abusive behavior for what it is, and when someone insists you deserve better, you might brush it off, thinking, “He’s really a nice guy,” or “It’s not that bad.” None of that matters. You can have all the good qualities you desire and still be with someone who is emotionally abusive.
It took me a long time to learn this: abusers are occasionally nice. They must be, or you’d leave. They throw you a bone now and then to keep you invested in the illusion of love. They want you to feel grateful for their sporadic kindness, which they use as a reward for good behavior. But kindness should be the standard in any relationship, not a special occasion.
You deserve a partner who treats you with the same consideration they show to strangers. If your partner is more compassionate to others than to you, something is seriously wrong. They should always extend basic human decency, regardless of their mood or circumstances.
In her essay, “A Good Man Is Hard to Bash,” Kayla shares her experience of questioning how much abuse one should accept in a relationship. Her friend’s response was clear: “In a loving relationship, abuse is unacceptable. You should not have to tolerate any abuse to be loved.”
Let’s be candid: abuse and love cannot coexist. Genuine love is built on care, affirmation, and respect—everything abuse contradicts. As bell hooks wrote, “Abuse and neglect negate love.”
You also deserve to be free from the illusion that they’ll change. People like that may calm down momentarily, but their behavior rarely changes for good.
You deserve to break free. You deserve love—the kind that is kind, compassionate, and respectful. Emotional manipulation and aggression are never love. You deserve basic human decency, kindness, and, above all, true love.
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Summary
Emotional abuse can manifest in many ways, and understanding its signs is vital for anyone in a relationship. You deserve compassion, respect, and kindness, not manipulation or aggression. Abusers often disguise their true selves with occasional kindness, but genuine love does not coexist with abuse. It’s essential to recognize your worth and prioritize your emotional well-being.