For the first time since stepping into parenthood, my partner and I took a vacation—just the two of us. Our eldest recently turned 10, which means it had been a full decade without a break from the whirlwind of parenting, aside from the occasional five-hour date night. It was a long time spent forgetting what it meant to be just Jamie and Mark, rather than Mom and Dad.
For ten years, I felt an overwhelming guilt that held me back from considering an adult getaway. There was the nagging thought of leaving our kids behind and an incessant reminder to cherish every fleeting moment of their childhood, as countless parenting memes suggest. With our youngest just 4 years old, there was always a little one at home, making it quite challenging to find someone to watch them for more than just an evening. But most importantly, I felt guilty about spending money—often a rare resource in our home—on myself.
As we all know, raising children demands endless financial resources: lessons, sports, toys, and the essential food and shelter. Could I really justify expenses for a hotel, dining out, show tickets, and shopping? Guilt answered with a firm “No!”
At 38, I had resigned myself to the idea that personal aspirations and enjoyment outside of my children were off the table—at least until they grew up. Reflecting on that mindset now, I can’t help but think, “What was I doing?!” It’s no wonder Mark and I felt drained, frustrated, and sometimes even resentful—resentful of the incredible opportunities and experiences we were tirelessly working to provide for our children.
It was our choice to neglect our own needs. I didn’t even realize we were stuck in this cycle until I lost a dear friend far too soon. As I grappled with grief, his passing became an anchor in my already overwhelming life. I couldn’t afford to sink when three little humans depended on me.
The solution required what I initially viewed as selfishness. But let’s call it what it really was: self-preservation. So, I organized a retreat to Cape Cod, complete with a beachside hotel, theater tickets, and dinner reservations at places that don’t feature kids’ menus. And let me tell you, those three days were the best of my life! Yes, even better than my wedding day or the days my children were born (seriously, how much fun is it to be on an operating table under heavy medication?).
Mark and I have always cherished each other, but it’s tough to truly connect as a couple when you have three little ones pulling you in every direction. This vacation allowed us to rediscover ourselves—just the two of us without distractions. It was priceless.
We embraced the freedom to go wherever we wanted at a moment’s notice. No more carrying snacks and Band-Aids in my purse, no fretting over whether a fancy store visit was worth the risk of our kids wreaking havoc, and no car seats or packed schedules full of practices, lessons, bathtimes, and bedtimes. Not once did anyone interrupt me while I was in the bathroom or ask me for a drink while I was in the shower.
A wonderful realization dawned on me: I am still alive, and the time I have left doesn’t have to be a slog through endless responsibilities. I have a life to live, fun to enjoy, and dreams to chase. I deserve to invest time and effort in myself—and yes, even splurge a little financially.
What kind of example do I set for my children if I wrap my entire existence around them? It’s detrimental for them to see me only as a parent. They should aspire to be well-rounded and fulfilled adults, even if they choose to parent someday. I need to model that for them; otherwise, I’m not being a responsible parent.
Since our trip, we’ve made commitments that we’ve already begun to uphold. We booked an overnight trip to see a band we’ve loved for years. I refreshed my wardrobe, got a few new outfits for Mark, and we’ve started playing music together again, gearing up to compete in a local busking contest next year.
Our three kids lounge around, coloring or wrestling, while we sing and play the guitar. They witness the joy we find in prioritizing our passions and pursuing our goals. They observe our happiness and hopefully learn how to create their own.
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In summary, it’s essential to prioritize both your relationship and your own well-being amidst the chaos of parenthood. Taking time for yourselves can rejuvenate your connection and set a positive example for your children.