“Slow down; we’re going to crash!” I shouted at my husband, Mark.
I don’t typically react this way (well, maybe I do). However, zooming at nearly 130 mph on the German Autobahn, where speed limits seem to be a mere suggestion, can provoke such dramatics.
Mark, usually gentle and caring, is a self-proclaimed car enthusiast. Earlier that evening, he had borrowed a high-performance vehicle from a friend, excited to make the most of our rare, kid-free night. After all, he works hard and deserves to unwind, right? Yes, but there are limits.
Before we left the restaurant, I expressed my unease about the car’s power. The engine roared like a beast eager to consume us. The ride had been exhilarating, and I had even laughed nervously, but I was close to my comfort threshold. I half-jokingly asked him to drop me off at home before he took another joyride. Yet, it seemed my words failed to register. Thus, my frantic yelling ensued, praying I’d get to see our children again.
Once we arrived home, I was silent, lost in my thoughts. It felt like an eternity until Mark broke the silence, asking, “Why aren’t you talking to me?”
I finally found the words to explain my feelings. I told him that when he ignored my pleas to slow down, it felt like a violation—an echo of my past trauma. My experience with sexual assault occurred over twenty years ago, long before Mark and I met, but it still affects me deeply, even in our nearly 12-year marriage. Mark knew of my history and the emotional scars it had left.
“Oh my God, I’m so sorry! I never meant to… I thought you were enjoying yourself,” he stammered, his voice trembling.
“I did laugh, but I also clearly said, ‘Slow down!’ and ‘Please stop!’ Yet, those pleas were disregarded,” I clarified. “You have autonomy over your body, but you do not have the right to disregard mine!”
I’ve instilled the principles of consent and body safety in our children from a young age. They know they are in charge of their bodies, must always seek permission before interacting with others, and must stop immediately when requested. This lesson is challenging for kids, especially when they’re having fun. However, my husband should have understood better.
“You’re right. I’m truly sorry,” he replied. “What can I do to ensure this doesn’t happen again? Maybe we should establish a safe word?”
A safe word. This concept goes beyond the typical “no” or “stop.” It signifies that someone has reached their limit and that the situation must be taken seriously. It’s a phrase that demands respect.
Unfortunately, safe words often carry negative connotations, typically associated with intimate scenarios. But they can serve as a valuable tool in various relationships, even in family dynamics.
I embraced his suggestion, and we decided to let our children choose the safe word, believing it important for them to utilize it when necessary. Eventually, my daughter proposed “lederhosen,” and it became our family’s chosen term.
I genuinely adore our safe word. It has transformed how we communicate and respect one another’s boundaries. It has proven effective time and again when “no” or “stop” fell short.
Parents, need your kids to stop climbing over you while you attempt to respond to urgent emails? Simply say “LEDERHOSEN!” Kids, want your mom to stop fussing with your hair or giving unwanted kisses? Shout “LEDERHOSEN!”
Of course, there are occasional misunderstandings. My children have learned to use the safe word to resist chores or doctor visits, arguing that it’s their body, hence their choice. They are slowly grasping that health and safety are exceptions to the rule.
Since that pivotal night, my trust in Mark has been restored. Now, when we’re cruising on the Autobahn, he knows that if I say “Lederhosen,” he’s to ease up on the speed. This has eliminated the drama and the silent treatment. I’m proud of how he respects boundaries, showing our children the importance of consent.
Mark understands now, and for that, I am grateful.
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In summary, establishing open communication and respect for each other’s boundaries through the use of a safe word has strengthened our family dynamics and trust.