Updated: June 3, 2020
Originally Published: April 12, 2019
I often wish I could see my family more frequently. Since relocating to the Midwest, several states now lie between us, limiting our visits to just a few times each year. Those trips home offer me a chance to recharge, helping me cope with the loneliness that sometimes envelops me when I’m away from them.
During these visits, I try to embrace my life as closely as possible to my pre-marriage and kids days. I reconnect with old friends, indulge in my favorite restaurants, and occasionally experience the nightlife. However, after being a mother for over three years and a wife for nearly five, I recognize that things will never return to how they once were. One particular aspect that constantly reminds me of my changing life is the unsolicited advice I receive from family about my parenting.
I cherish my family, but their comments often drive me up the wall! Coming from a traditional Southern background, our family dynamics are pretty typical — faith is paramount, sweet tea is a staple, and our conversations are rich with metaphors and similes. You might say we resemble the Texans portrayed on television.
With this cultural backdrop comes the belief that children should be seen and not heard, where “respect for elders” is ingrained in our upbringing. Many of my loved ones find it strange that I adopt a more “crunchy” and free-spirited approach to raising my kids.
Don’t misunderstand me; I value respect for elders. But unlike my family, I believe that respect is something that must be earned, not automatically given. I refuse to force my children to hug or kiss relatives they barely know, as I view that as a violation of their bodily autonomy. My husband and I see children as individuals who will one day make their own choices, so instead of trying to control them, we aim to equip them with the tools to think critically and navigate their world independently.
Raising my children in a way that diverges from my family’s traditions often leaves me feeling isolated. This divergence adds a layer of stress during visits. For instance, when my son has a tantrum—something typical for a three-year-old—my family and I may expect it, but we have different approaches to managing these outbursts. My inclination is to take a more passive approach, allowing him to learn that such behavior leads nowhere, unless it escalates. Conversely, my family insists on addressing problematic behavior immediately. It can be difficult to maintain my parenting style amid comments like, “When you were his age, you had better home training.”
While these remarks are well-intentioned, they can sting, particularly when they come from my “village.” Their feedback can lead to self-doubt and sometimes causes me to respond in ways that do not align with my usual parenting philosophy. When at home, I’m more inclined to cuddle my kids with affection rather than letting them cry it out. Yet in my hometown, I tend to adopt a more authoritarian stance, which makes me uncomfortable and feels inauthentic.
I recognize that our family visits are challenging for everyone involved, including my relatives, as they grapple with my parenting choices that contradict their traditional views. For example, our family doesn’t eat pork, which excludes many of the dishes I grew up loving—meaning my kids miss out on things like bacon for breakfast. I recall savoring bacon sandwiches as a child, and it’s tough for me to explain why my kids can’t enjoy the same.
Even my decision to pursue my passions while working from home with my kids, rather than seeking conventional employment and enrolling them in daycare, deviates from the norm. However, I’ve realized that many of my parenting choices stem from my mother’s approach to raising my brother and me. She always emphasized personal freedom and agency. I was never taught that conformity was essential, which I appreciate.
Nonetheless, I worry that my commitment to freedom is misconstrued by my grandparents, aunts, and uncles as a rejection of their traditions. Southern living often relies heavily on parental instincts while making allowances for social customs, and I challenge this notion by refusing to parent based on external expectations.
I wish I could convey to my loved ones that just because I don’t adhere to the “old school” methods doesn’t mean I believe their approach is wrong (well, not entirely). Instead, I’ve taken their teachings and carved out my own path. The traditional foods they enjoy are delicious, but I’ve learned that what’s tasty isn’t always healthy. I practice moderation in hopes of living a longer life. My kids may think jumping on the couch is acceptable now and then, but I genuinely believe in striking a balance between allowing fun and instilling the skills they need to navigate society. If they can’t relish life at home, where else will they feel free?
Ultimately, I don’t require the strict guidelines of our upbringing. What I truly need is their support, acceptance, and unconditional love.
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Summary:
Navigating parenting choices that diverge from family traditions can be isolating and challenging. Balancing personal beliefs with cultural expectations often results in unsolicited advice, leading to self-doubt. It’s essential to carve out a unique parenting path while seeking support and acceptance from loved ones.