I find it hard to admit this, but here goes. “If someone is bothering you, just politely ask them to stop.” Ugh. That’s me feeling nauseous. It’s painful to realize I’m conditioning my daughters to behave like timid souls when confronted with unpleasantness. It’s a cringe-worthy reflection of my own insecurities in parenting.
I’m raising my daughters to be passive. No, I should clarify: gutless—just like me. That feels more accurate. (See, I’m such a coward that I didn’t dare use “gutless” in the title of this piece. Ugh.)
I can put on a brave face and talk a good game about being a fierce mom. I strut around like I’m the epitome of boldness. But deep down, I wear a flimsy disguise of confidence. When it comes to standing up to real-life confrontations, my voice often betrays me, silenced by fear.
Through my misguided advice, I’m teaching my daughters to be cautious and reserved. I can just imagine how that will serve them in the real world. Picture this scene accompanied by whimsical harp music:
A child relentlessly pushes my daughter down a slide. She’s terrified of falling, and instead of asserting herself, she’ll turn and say sweetly, “Hey, could you please stop pushing me down the slide?” And what do you think will happen? Most likely, the other child won’t care and will push her again, leading to a nasty fall and a broken arm.
Bravo to me for raising a victim—a peacekeeper at the cost of her safety!
Like many women, I’ve been socialized to prioritize politeness, even when I feel deeply offended. I’ve been conditioned to remain courteous in situations where I should be standing my ground. Unfortunately, I often hesitate in the face of blatant disrespect or danger.
I know I shouldn’t tolerate mistreatment, but fear keeps me silent. Fear of losing my job, friendships, or my reputation. Fear of being labeled a “bitch” or an “emotional woman.” When someone is rude or aggressive, I retreat like a coward, sacrificing my dignity.
But what’s worse is that I’m inadvertently raising my daughters to be timid, and I detest it. I want them to be strong, confident women who won’t accept domestic violence or workplace discrimination. I want them to express themselves assertively, eloquently, and powerfully when faced with harassment—even if it means they might face societal backlash like Anita Hill and other women who have endured injustice.
It’s shameful to admit that I’ve allowed myself to be a target of harassment. Yes, being a victim doesn’t mean I caused it, but I did let the abuse continue. I allowed fear to dictate my actions.
In college, a seemingly kind man helped me move into my apartment, and I was drawn to him. But within minutes of being in his home, he crossed a line. I fled, terrified as he relentlessly pounded on my door. Instead of calling for help, I cowered in fear, waiting for morning’s light.
After college, I faced more subtle but equally damaging forms of sexism in the workplace. Male colleagues dissected my appearance instead of respecting my professional capabilities. I should’ve stood up for myself, but my fear of conflict kept me silent.
Now, as a writer, I face a new battleground: social media. While it’s essential for promoting my work, it also opens the door to online harassment. I’ve been subjected to derogatory comments and threats, all disguised as “feedback.”
Why do I continue to respond with politeness? Why not just block or report them? I have a problem, and it’s about time I admit it—I’m not being the fierce, assertive role model my daughters need.
It’s time for me to transform my wimpy advice into a stronger narrative—one that empowers my daughters. I need to model assertiveness and teach them how to protect themselves online and offline. They deserve to know where the “block” button is and to reject the notion of being victims.
In conclusion, I’m committed to changing my mindset and actions to raise daughters who are confident and unafraid to stand up for themselves. They deserve a world where they can thrive without the shadow of harassment or inequality.
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