What truly frightened me was the overwhelming rage. I had anticipated feeling blue, downcast, and irritable — and I certainly experienced those emotions. But the rage? That was completely unexpected as a symptom of postpartum depression. It was this very rage that ultimately pushed me to seek help.
About five weeks after the birth of my second daughter, Lily, my partner noticed that I wasn’t coping well. To lift my spirits, he surprised me with a half-day at a local spa. I was ecstatic! A manicure, facial, and massage — all without a baby or toddler clinging to me for a few precious hours. Pure bliss.
However, when I returned home, I could hear Lily crying from the basement. Instantly, my body tensed, and the tranquility I felt at the spa evaporated. My husband informed me that Lily had refused to eat the entire time I was away. She had taken a small amount of milk from a bottle, but thereafter, she would not accept it again.
From that day on, my frustration began to swell. I felt trapped by my fussy, non-sleeping baby who wouldn’t take a bottle. My toddler, Mia, was throwing frequent tantrums, and I found myself questioning my choice to leave my full-time writing job for occasional freelance work. Every single day felt like an uphill battle filled with sadness, anxiety, and anger.
One night, during one of Mia’s outbursts, I completely lost control. The words that spilled out of my mouth were alarming. I wanted to shake her to make her stop (thankfully, I didn’t). I longed to be anywhere but there. The rage that consumed me felt like it was from another realm. Fortunately, my husband was there to step in and diffuse the situation. The memory of how I acted makes me feel physically ill, and I can’t help but think about the potential consequences of that moment. It was the most frightening experience I had ever faced.
The next day, I reached out to both my primary care physician and my obstetrician. They collaborated to get me started on Zoloft and into therapy immediately. I began to feel relief within days. The sadness, lack of interest in life, and anxiety all improved with the medication. However, controlling the rage took more effort. While Zoloft was beneficial, therapy was crucial in helping me manage it effectively.
Four years later, I’m still navigating my depression. While my postpartum symptoms improved, they transformed after the sudden loss of my father. I’m not sure what to label it now, but it’s a journey I’m still on.
The rage remains the hardest part for me to control and is, in my experience, one of the least-discussed symptoms of depression. That’s why I felt compelled to share my story. To all the mothers out there facing postpartum depression, or any form of depression, especially the rage that may accompany it, know that you are not alone. You are not a bad parent. Things can and will improve — but seeking help is vital.
Being a mother often means facing tough challenges, and sometimes the hardest task is asking for help. That initial phone call was incredibly daunting for me. But I’ve come to realize that depression can affect anyone. Those frightening feelings do not define me as a bad mother. With the right mix of medication, therapy, and healthier lifestyle choices, I’m rediscovering myself.
Yes, I still contend with depression, sadness, and rage. But now, at long last, I feel as though I’m starting to win the battle.
If you suspect you may be experiencing postpartum depression or need additional support, check out this helpful resource: Progyny Blog. For more information on home insemination, visit our article on artificial insemination kits. Additionally, Fertility Advancements offers expert insights into this important topic.
In summary, postpartum depression can manifest in unexpected ways, including anger and rage. It’s essential to recognize these feelings and seek help, as many mothers experience similar struggles. Remember, you’re not alone on this journey, and there is support available.