During my time in university and graduate school, I found myself nearly 700 miles away from home. My partner, Jake, pursued his studies 400 miles from his close-knit family. Neither of us anticipated being so far from our families, but life took its course, leading us to marriage and eventually to parenthood while Jake was still working on his doctorate. We bought a house, establishing our roots in a small southern town, far removed from our parents.
Now, we navigate the complexities of two extended families vying for our limited time. Initially, we tried to accommodate everyone. Before our children arrived, our Christmas routine involved traveling to my parents’ house for a week. I assisted my mother in baking traditional treats, culminating in a cherished Slovak Christmas Eve dinner that included broken wafers, a seat left for God, and a carefully served meal. Afterward, we would enjoy my father’s homemade liquor before attending Midnight Mass. On Christmas Day, we would pack our belongings and embark on a 350-mile journey to Jake’s family, where we rushed to open gifts before indulging in a substantial feast from the local store. Meanwhile, our dogs were left in a kennel, and our home sat empty, with the Christmas tree slowly becoming a fire hazard. The holiday season turned into a source of dread.
Once we had children, I made a firm decision to prioritize our needs over family traditions. For instance, I didn’t want visitors during my oldest son’s birth, so I established that family members could visit one at a time, starting with my side of the family five days after his arrival. They came, admired the baby, and left. Jake’s family followed nine days later; while it wasn’t ideal for anyone, I held my ground.
This approach allowed us to set further boundaries. We could drive to my in-laws’ home in five hours, typically at night while the baby slept, making those visits more manageable. However, my mother’s home was a ten-hour trek, which was unfeasible in one go with a baby who screamed when not asleep. Hence, we simply didn’t make that trip.
My mother was understandably upset. She wanted to host a grand gathering to showcase Blaise to relatives, complete with cake, balloons, and gifts. I declined her invitation due to the logistical challenges, leading to a period of silence between us. I had to prioritize what was best for my child.
Over the years, we opted to spend two weeks at Nags Head with Jake’s family, a cherished tradition that has lasted over 40 years. Our sons enjoyed playing with their cousins on the beach. One summer, we tried to split our time between both families, spending ten days with my parents in their new house without air conditioning, then moving to my in-laws for a few days before heading to Nags Head. We were away from home for almost a month, and the consequences were costly: high kennel bills, a damaged antique table, and a worry about potential wildlife in our absence. I vowed never to repeat that mistake.
On our following visit to my mother’s, we limited our stay to six days and added a few days with my in-laws at both ends of the trip. Despite their pleas for us to extend our visit, we remained resolute, having learned from our previous experience.
Currently, my mother is again discontent with our lack of visits this summer. We’ve already made trips to the mountains, visited Jake’s family, and spent time at Nags Head. I firmly communicated that I wouldn’t endure another long car ride and needed to be home, suggesting she come to visit us instead.
We do offer that alternative; there’s an open invitation for family to come see us anytime. My mother comes down whenever her schedule allows, and we thoroughly enjoy her visits. She explores real estate options, and we go thrifting while she spends quality time with the kids. Jake’s parents sometimes meet us halfway for outings to museums and zoos, and when they visit us, they engage in family activities while staying at a hotel since we lack space for both sets of parents. My mother stays with us, and we’re comfortable with that arrangement. If circumstances change, we’ll communicate our needs clearly. With three young children, three dogs, and various health challenges, it makes more sense for visitors to come our way.
Balancing two devoted families can be challenging, but we’ve discovered that establishing clear boundaries leads to greater understanding. Ultimately, our children’s well-being and my peace of mind take precedence. We refuse to compromise our happiness for the sake of appeasing others.
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In summary, establishing boundaries and prioritizing our family’s needs has proven essential in managing relationships with extended family while ensuring our children’s happiness and our own well-being.