Let me be honest: I remained in my marriage far longer than I should have, all in the name of my children. It’s completely natural to want to hold on after investing so much time and energy into a home and family. Nobody wants to parent alone, miss out on family holidays, or navigate life without a partner who has been by your side for years. It’s tempting to stay put and hope things will improve.
It’s easy to convince yourself that the situation isn’t that dire, especially when you look around the dinner table at your kids and think that keeping the family together is the right thing to do. However, I can tell you from personal experience that remaining in a loveless marriage does nothing to protect your children.
Yes, we understand that separating will bring pain and disruption to our kids’ lives. The instinct to shield them from hurt is powerful, and so we cling to our unhappy relationships, battling our own feelings while prioritizing their well-being. But, let me be clear: staying in a relationship devoid of love does not safeguard your children.
The question “What about the kids?” often arises when I mention my separation from my ex-husband. Those who have never experienced divorce tend to jump to this conclusion, causing you to second-guess your choices. A much more supportive response would be, “You need to prioritize your happiness and well-being.”
Divorce is daunting. It can evoke feelings of discomfort, as it marks an ending, a perceived failure. But it’s not a failure at all. Don’t let the fears associated with divorce deter you from making a decision that’s right for you, even if others attempt to shame you into staying for the sake of the children.
The Impact of Staying Together
A crucial point to understand is that parents who force themselves to stay together while unhappy are often doing more harm than good to their kids. My marital issues began when our youngest was just four years old, and he was acutely aware of the tension in our home. During a playdate, he expressed concern over my sadness, interpreting an overheard argument between my ex-husband and me about our differing priorities. This conversation revealed that our children are often more perceptive than we realize.
Our marriage issues persisted for several years, and by that time, all three of our kids sensed the ongoing discord. They may not have voiced their concerns, but the impact was still evident—anxiety, withdrawal, and behavioral changes began to emerge.
When I finally acknowledged that my marriage was not about the kids but about the partnership between my ex-husband and me, I could let go of the guilt I had been carrying. We had made promises to each other before our children were born, but our love had faded. We tried to revive it, but it wasn’t successful. Both of us deserve to find happiness elsewhere, and our children should see us both loved in healthy, fulfilling relationships. Staying together out of obligation was detrimental, and it could have harmed them in the long run.
Life After Divorce
Now, two years post-divorce, my ex-husband is happily in love with a woman my children cherish. They now experience double the love, more family adventures, and even a bonus sibling. They witness a strong and independent mother who embraces her freedom. If we had stayed together, they would have been caught in a household filled with two unhappy adults, barely able to coexist.
While divorce undoubtedly impacts kids, I genuinely believe that if we had stayed together for their sake, our unhappiness would have caused far more damage than our separation ever did. With time, children adapt to their new circumstances; they acclimate to seeing their parents happier apart. They will never adjust to the presence of two parents who are simply coexisting in a state of discontent.
Conclusion
Ultimately, using the excuse of “staying together for the kids” is a flimsy justification for remaining in an unhappy marriage. Make choices for your own happiness, whether that means staying together or separating. If you don’t advocate for your own well-being, no one else will, no matter how much you may sacrifice for others.
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In summary, prioritizing your own happiness over the illusion of stability for your kids is crucial. Staying together just for them is misguided and can lead to greater harm. Embrace the journey ahead with a focus on well-being for yourself and your family.