On a frigid January day in 2018, I found myself lying on an uncomfortably cold examination table, anxiously waiting for a technician to assess my unborn child at the Maternal Fetal Medicine Center’s high-risk department. I was there primarily because my fundal height measured just a centimeter off. With a 99% likelihood of everything being perfectly fine, my doctor had reassured me repeatedly, even as I left his office in tears the day before.
As the technician entered, I could sense her judgment before she even spoke. She glanced at my chart, scoffed, and then fixed her gaze on me. “Have you really been taking these medications the whole time during your pregnancy?” she demanded, her finger pointing accusatorily at my chart. The level of disdain she projected reminded me of the eye rolls I used to get from my teenage relatives when I’d mention something they deemed uncool.
“Yes,” I replied. “I’m on Zoloft for anxiety and Ativan for PTSD because—”
She interrupted me sharply, “Who prescribed these to you?” as if I had acquired them from some back alley vendor rather than a qualified professional.
“My psychiatrist, who specializes in treating pregnant women, prescribed them,” I explained. “He’s monitoring my dosage, and he says they are safe.” As I spoke, I noticed her scribbling notes furiously. She used a highlighter to circle “DRUG EXPOSURE” in bold letters, as if making it abundantly clear that I was somehow guilty of an offense. She informed me that I would need a more extensive ultrasound to ensure my “drug use” hadn’t harmed the baby, and insisted that I get an additional heart scan for the same reasons. She would personally escort me to schedule an appointment today.
In that moment, embarrassment washed over me. I knew I was under capable medical supervision and doing the right thing for both myself and my baby by managing my mental health, but her scorn made me doubt myself. I felt ashamed of prioritizing my mental well-being and scared that I had somehow jeopardized my child.
“I don’t take these medications for fun. I deal with anxiety, OCD, insomnia, and other issues since childhood. My mother’s sudden passing when I was 22 only intensified my struggles.” I almost continued, but then I paused. I realized that I didn’t owe her an explanation. She wasn’t my doctor, and I had no obligation to justify my needs to someone so judgmental.
After all, I was doing what was best for both me and my baby. It frustrated me to think that people like her only see the baby and not the mother, forgetting that we are interconnected. I felt anger toward those who judge without understanding and even those who know part of the story but still cast judgment. I was indignant that she treated me like a criminal for seeking help with my mental health.
Eventually, my scans came back normal. My detailed anatomy scan was already recommended by my doctor, and the fetal cardiologist explained that there is no significant link between antidepressants and heart issues. I didn’t need to return if I decided to have another child.
Fast forward to June 2019, I was back at the same high-risk unit for my level two anatomy scan, pregnant again. To my dismay, the same technician walked in. She glanced at me, then my chart, and immediately launched into her familiar routine. “You’re still on medication during your pregnancy?” she exclaimed, her tone dripping with judgment.
“Yes,” I said, this time more assertively. “But it’s under control. My doctors are monitoring me, and I’m doing fine.”
And I truly was fine. Taking care of myself and consulting with my healthcare providers allowed me to make informed decisions that were right for me. That’s what matters most in this journey.
For more insight on pregnancy and mental health, you might find this blog post helpful. And if you’re interested in understanding more about in vitro fertilization, check out this excellent resource.
In summary, it’s vital to prioritize mental health during pregnancy and seek qualified care without feeling ashamed. Each mother’s journey is unique, and understanding support networks can make all the difference.