When embarking on the journey of potty training, many parents feel prepared. You’ve probably read a few books or gathered insights from friends who have navigated the same path, which can make it seem less daunting than it actually is. However, once you dive in, you might find the reality quite challenging—filled with accidents, behavioral changes, and an overwhelming amount of laundry. Eventually, though, it seems like the hard part is behind you, and your little one is on their way to independence.
Yet, there’s a less-discussed aspect of potty training: regressions. I’m not talking about the small slip-ups that occasionally occur with toddlers; I mean the significant setbacks that can emerge once your child starts school. That’s the situation I’m facing with my daughter, and it has forced me to confront parts of myself that I didn’t know existed—dark parts that surface when, for the umpteenth time this week, she gets up from the floor with a wet backside and admits to having had an accident.
My partner and I have always reassured our daughter that accidents are perfectly okay. We emphasize that there’s no need for shame; sometimes our bodies just don’t give us the signals we need in time. This approach is especially meaningful to me because I grew up with a bladder disorder that went undiagnosed until I was 10 years old. The embarrassment I felt during my childhood haunts me to this day, and I wanted to ensure my daughter never had to experience that kind of shame.
While I believe we succeeded in fostering a shame-free environment, our lives took an unexpected turn at the end of her first year in junior kindergarten. We moved out of the city, disrupting her routine and severing ties with the friends she had just begun to connect with. As a result, her occasional accidents escalated significantly. There were days when she would come home wearing someone else’s clothes after exhausting her spare outfits at school, only to have more accidents before bedtime.
In our attempts to navigate this new phase, we tried to maintain a neutral tone when discussing her accidents—expressing confusion rather than frustration. I reminded her to use the bathroom more often, especially since she never seemed to have issues recognizing the need to poop. Yet, she would often return from the bathroom empty-handed, only to have an accident shortly afterward.
Eventually, she revealed that she sometimes held in her pee because she didn’t like being told what to do. She also confessed her dislike for washing her hands, which contributed to her reluctance to go to the bathroom. It became clear that her accidents were not merely physical but also behavioral. At nearly five years old, she seemed to be dealing with the fear of missing out (FOMO), ignoring her body’s signals until it was too late.
Despite the struggles, I consulted our doctor, who believes this behavior is likely rooted in power dynamics rather than physical issues. Each day has become a battle; she refuses to drink water at school to avoid having to go to the bathroom. Mornings are filled with arguments about going before school, often leading us to the brink of tardiness. I’ve tried everything from pleading to threatening, and even implementing reward charts, yet nothing seems to provide a long-term fix.
Currently, each day feels like an uphill battle. My daughter struggles with something as fundamental as using the bathroom, and I’m at a loss for how to support her through it. I can only hope that the reassurance from others—that she won’t be having five accidents a day when she’s older—is accurate for her sake.
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In summary, potty training can be a tumultuous journey, especially when regressions occur. Understanding the emotional and behavioral aspects is crucial for both parents and children.