By Jamie Lane
Dear Stranger at the Footwear Store,
You might not recall our brief encounter, but it has lingered in my mind. It happened a few weeks ago while I was on vacation with my family. We stopped at a shoe store so my mother could find some flip-flops, and my 5-year-old son dashed off in search of shoes he didn’t really need. You kindly pointed us in the right direction, and we exchanged a few words. Then, unexpectedly, you reached out and touched his hair.
If it hadn’t been for that moment, I likely would have forgotten our interaction entirely. But you lingered, running your fingers through his curls and exploring his little mohawk, which he affectionately refers to as his “monkey-hawk.” I stood frozen, grappling with a mix of emotions, wanting to say something to you, to intervene, but my instinct to be polite and avoid confrontation stifled my voice.
I was that white mother with her black son, and these instances are not new to us. A casual pat on the head can often feel like more than just innocent affection; it reflects a curiosity about what his hair feels like. Typically, such gestures are more discreet, but they still evoke a protective instinct within me, even if I don’t act on it. I yearn to shield my child from becoming the focus of others’ curiosity, from feeling “other” in predominantly white spaces, and from the notion that his personal boundaries can be overlooked.
I worry about the subtle racial microaggressions that can arise from well-intentioned actions, where individuals, often without realizing, demean or stereotype a person of color, making them feel marginalized. After our encounter, I mulled over it for days, discussing it with my husband, family, and friends in mixed-race families. I reached out to my friends of color to see if their children have faced similar situations. I even contacted a friend whose daughter has beautiful curls to inquire if others touch her hair too.
I questioned whether my feelings stemmed from a race issue and sought to understand why I was so affected by your actions, aside from my own disappointment in not speaking up. A black friend of mine pointed out that Black individuals typically do not touch others’ hair out of respect for its cultural significance and the time and care involved in maintaining it. Many white people, lacking this knowledge and understanding, often unknowingly cross this line.
I understand where your curiosity comes from, but I must emphasize that it is not acceptable to invade my son’s personal space to satisfy it. Sometimes, our curiosity remains unfulfilled, and we are not entitled to satisfy it at the expense of someone else’s comfort.
Currently, I am teaching him that his body is his own, and it’s not appropriate for strangers to touch him. He has the right to express discomfort. Although he is too young to frame this conversation explicitly in terms of race, I am laying the groundwork for him to understand what boundaries should never be crossed.
Would you have touched my son’s hair if I weren’t white? If he had been with his father, a black man? I want to make it clear that my whiteness does not grant you permission to invade his space.
I don’t want to be that mother who reacts defensively to every question or curiosity, assuming the worst. We are all navigating this race-conscious world together, and I aspire for my boys to be both empowered and understanding. I must learn how to model this balance for them.
If your curiosity is genuine, and you wish to learn more about my family or about caring for black hair, I would be open to a conversation—just not in front of my son, who is already becoming aware of his identity in predominantly white environments like that shoe store. I believe that dialogue is essential for growth and understanding, and I want to encourage that for my children.
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Summary
This piece reflects on an encounter where a white mother felt uncomfortable when a stranger touched her black son’s hair. She explores the implications of such actions, emphasizing the importance of respecting boundaries and understanding cultural sensitivities, particularly regarding personal space and identity.