As a dedicated sports mom, I find myself dividing my time between sleep, contemplating dinner options, and attending youth sports events—cheering on my kids in their numerous soccer, basketball, lacrosse, and football games. With countless hours spent on the sidelines, I often find myself engaged in deep introspection, and yes, indulging in a pack of Sour Patch Kids—because where else can an adult enjoy that without raising eyebrows?
While I genuinely enjoy watching my children play, let’s be real: after attending so many games—this being my 1,038th—I sometimes struggle to keep my focus on the action. My thoughts often wander to this delightful jumble:
Why are we always at the furthest field from where we parked?
I can’t believe I forgot to bring a blanket again. Wait, it’s in the car, but the dog destroyed it. Should I grab it anyway? Gross, no. Only if it gets freezing.
This chair is painfully uncomfortable.
Why do I always pick the broken chair? I’m not getting out of this chair anytime soon. I guess I’ll just wait until everyone else leaves. My legs are practically folded under me. Just smile; no one will notice.
How old are those kids on the other team?
They’re massive! That kid can’t be 10—he’s sporting a mustache! He looks old enough to drive. Ha, I’m hilarious. I could go for a drink. Do I even drink beer?
I love this sport.
Do I have cankles? Am I the only one still wearing capris? Time for a shopping trip. No one looks good in capris. Actually, that mom looks great in them. She must do pilates or barre.
Is there a bar nearby?
How many minutes did my son actually play? Three? I should get an app to track that. I never use apps, though. Mmm… apps, like buffalo chicken dip. Wait, not edamame—they’re just trendy lima beans.
Was that a raindrop?
I think I felt rain. I hope that was rain.
Wow, that guy is really loud.
What a jerk—oh, wait, that’s my husband. He’s not a jerk. I must be exhausted.
Is that a bee?
I can’t get out of this chair! IS THAT A BEE?! It’s too cold for spring. I wish I had a blanket. I need to wash that blanket. Ugh, laundry, and I still have a mountain of dishes to do. Those closets need cleaning too. And that stack of papers on the kitchen table—ugh, we need a new kitchen table.
Is that my son on the field?
What number is he? Why is that other kid always playing? Ah, the coach’s kid. He’s not great. Oh, but he just scored. Ball hog!
Wow, I definitely missed a spot while shaving—like, my entire left leg. And right too.
Uh-oh, she’s coming over to chat.
What’s her name? Whatshername… What’s her name?! Look straight ahead. Focus. I like her hair. I hate my hair. I definitely felt rain.
What’s for dinner?
I hate making dinner. Do we even need to eat? I need to hit the bathroom. It’s a trek to the restroom, and those bathrooms are disgusting. No toilet paper or hand towels, and spiders everywhere. I can hold it; I’m trapped in this chair anyway. I can’t feel my legs!
I can’t believe I forgot my fleece again.
Go blue! Am I yelling too much? That was loud. I sounded like a comedian.
Is there a bar around here?
What number is my son playing? Do I really have to make dinner? How many times have we had pizza this week? We can do pizza again, right? It’s healthier than… fried chicken or crack.
Did my kid just score?
Darn, I missed it. I’ll just tell him I saw it. Great job, buddy! Oops, don’t say “buddy.” Dude? Definitely don’t say dude.
What inning is it?
What quarter? What period? What day? That didn’t look like a foul. Is that rain? I think I felt something. Fingers crossed it’s rain.
Did we really drive two hours to play this team?
I’m so over this sport. I could go for a bite of that guy’s pretzel… oops, he caught me staring. Did I say that out loud? Maybe he’s checking out my cankles.
What’s the score?
I love her sunglasses. They make her look like a celebrity. They’d probably make me look like a cartoon character.
Is that rain?
That was definitely out of bounds. What’s the score? She seems friendly—never mind, she’s a screamer. Is this game almost over? Where did I park? Where is my other child? Where are you now that I need you? Great, now I have a pop song stuck in my head.
I could go for shrimp and linguine.
Wow, that’s random. With a glass of wine… now we’re talking. Wasn’t that a movie? Who was in it? Bruce Willis? Where are you now, Bruce?
Did I even bring my other child?
Where are you now? Get out of my head, pop music. Do I hear thunder? I should take some photos. Darn, memory full. Delete, delete, delete… oh, cute! Delete, delete. What’s the score? Overtime? Oh no. Please, no. I really need to pee. Was that rain? Please let that be rain.
This article was originally published on April 17, 2016.
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