When I come across articles discussing children’s eating habits, especially those related to picky eaters, I often see comments like, “In our home, our kids eat whatever is served, or they simply go hungry.” This “eat it or starve” philosophy is frequently touted as a remedy for picky eating, or a strategy to avoid it altogether. As a parent of a selective eater, I’ve been offered this advice numerous times by well-meaning individuals who want to share what worked for them.
The concept sounds good in theory. I agree that preparing different meals for my picky child can be overwhelming and frustrating. Ideally, I would love to create one meal for the whole family that everyone enjoys without fuss.
However, the reality is that this approach doesn’t apply to genuine picky eaters. In fact, it’s quite unrealistic, and any parent navigating this challenge will attest to that.
To clarify, a true picky eater isn’t just a toddler who suddenly rejects anything not resembling bread or cereal. Picky eaters have typically shown their selectiveness from the time they started on solids, and some may have even been challenging nursers. They often have strong aversions to certain foods, and their preferences can be incredibly specific. For instance, my son will eat pizza, but only from a local pizzeria; he refuses to try pizza from anywhere else, no matter how similar it appears.
People often attempt to introduce him to different options, but he’ll take one bite and insist that it tastes completely different. To him, those pizzas are like two completely separate dishes.
It’s crucial to understand that picky eaters are often born this way. My son jokes that he possesses a hundred times the taste buds of the average person. I have two sons: one who is a classic picky eater and another who is generally agreeable but has his moments of selectiveness. I didn’t approach their feeding any differently; I breastfed both for extended periods and introduced fruits and vegetables when they were ready, avoiding processed foods for as long as possible.
My picky eater’s reaction to solid foods was akin to serving him something spoiled (it was actually a banana). In contrast, my other son devoured avocado in mere seconds and asked for more.
I tried every method imaginable with my picky eater, encouraging him to sample new foods multiple times because I learned that it takes several tries for a kid to determine whether they like something. However, my son usually made up his mind after the first attempt and remained steadfast in his refusal to try again.
We attempted the “eat it or starve” strategy, but he opted to skip meals instead, and I could never let him go to bed hungry. With my non-picky eater, I can say, “Spaghetti and meatballs are what’s for dinner. If you don’t want it, that’s fine.” After a few moments, he typically concedes and eats up.
True picky eaters are insistent about their food choices and won’t easily change their minds. If you haven’t experienced this firsthand—if it’s not a daily struggle for you across multiple meals—please refrain from offering unsolicited advice. We don’t require any more opinions.
Let’s not judge parents of picky eaters or assume we’re spoiling our children. Many of these kids are inherently picky, and research suggests that most outgrow some of their pickiness eventually, though it may not happen until their teenage years. Some might retain their pickiness into adulthood.
Over the years, I’ve learned to accept my son’s selectiveness rather than fight against it. So yes, I do prepare separate meals for him when I know he won’t eat what I make. I avoid shaming him; he doesn’t always have control over his preferences, and I recognize that he does his best.
Fortunately, things have improved with time. Now at 9 ½, my son is showing more willingness to try new foods and is less particular about his choices. He now enjoys pizza from a few different places, and even my homemade pizza is acceptable to him! While he still has a limited diet, I take pride in the progress he’s made.
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In summary, parenting a picky eater can be a challenging journey filled with unique struggles. While well-meaning advice abounds, it’s essential to understand the complexities of picky eating and to approach the situation with patience and empathy. Progress is possible, and every small step forward should be celebrated.